By Mac Scotty McGregor

Founder/ Author/Speaker

Our new marketing campaign for July and August is helping men improve their health and wellness. Health and wellness are critical aspects of life that influence one's overall well-being, quality of life, and longevity. For men, taking charge of health and wellness can sometimes be challenging due to societal expectations, cultural norms, and personal attitudes. However, increasing awareness and education are helping men understand the importance of proactive health and wellness practices. This guide aims to highlight key areas where men can improve their health and wellness.

Regular Check-ups

Men often avoid routine medical check-ups, which can lead to the late diagnosis of preventable or manageable conditions. Regular visits to a healthcare provider help monitor blood pressure, cholesterol levels, and other vital signs, enabling early detection and treatment of potential health issues.

Balanced Diet

Adopting a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean proteins, and healthy fats is essential. Reducing the intake of processed foods, sugar, and unhealthy fats can lower the risk of chronic diseases such as obesity, diabetes, heart disease, and certain cancers.

Exercise

Regular physical activity is crucial for maintaining a healthy weight, strengthening muscles and bones, and improving cardiovascular health. Men should aim for at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity or 75 minutes of high-intensity exercise per week, complemented by muscle-strengthening activities.

Mental Health

Stress Management

Chronic stress can have detrimental effects on physical and mental health. Men should adopt stress-reducing practices such as mindfulness, meditation, and yoga or engage in hobbies that bring joy and relaxation.

Mental Health Support

Seeking support for mental health issues is vital. Men are often less likely to seek help for conditions like depression or anxiety due to stigma. Accessing therapy, counseling, or support groups can provide necessary assistance and improve mental well-being.

Preventive Care

Screenings and Vaccinations

Regular screenings for conditions such as prostate cancer, testicular cancer, and colorectal cancer are crucial for early detection and treatment. Staying up-to-date with vaccinations, including flu shots and other recommended vaccines, helps prevent illness.

Healthy Habits

Avoiding smoking, limiting alcohol consumption, and practicing safe behaviors (e.g., using seat belts and practicing safe sex) are fundamental aspects of preventive care. These habits significantly reduce the risk of various health problems.

Lifestyle Changes

Sleep

Adequate sleep is essential for physical and mental health. Men should aim for 7-9 hours of quality sleep per night, establishing a consistent sleep schedule and creating a restful sleep environment.

Hydration

Staying hydrated is crucial for bodily functions, energy levels, and overall health. Men should drink adequate water daily, adjusting for activity level and climate.

Social Connections

Maintaining strong social connections and a support network is essential for emotional health. Engaging in social activities, volunteering, or participating in community events can foster a sense of belonging and reduce feelings of isolation.

Education and Awareness

Health Literacy

Improving health literacy helps men make informed decisions about their health. Key components of health literacy include accessing reliable health information, understanding medical instructions, and communicating effectively with healthcare providers.

Role Models and Mentorship

Positive role models and mentors can inspire men to adopt healthier lifestyles. Encouraging men to share their health journeys and support each other creates a community of wellness.

Men's health and wellness are multifaceted and require a proactive, informed approach. By prioritizing regular check-ups, maintaining a balanced diet, exercising, managing stress, seeking mental health support, and adopting preventive care practices, men can significantly enhance their overall well-being. Educating men about these aspects and encouraging supportive environments will foster healthier, happier lives.

Content Writer, SDSU Alumni, Poet, Amateur Photographer

As a person who dealt with having low self-esteem, I was curious how certain people carried themselves and expressed their thoughts with little to no veil of doubt or when it comes to making friends, I wondered how does someone do it? I always thought it was the common shared belief that some people are naturally confident while some are not. After reading articles about developing healthy confidence and reflecting on their suggestions, there was a great deal of learning from them, particularly about developing them through making behavioral changes that could beget confidence.

There is a vital aspect when creating your confidence. It is to know the difference between being confident and being arrogant. Being confident is having a solid belief in your abilities and yourself without being based on external validations but from and within yourself as the validator. Certain skills such as cooking, playing, drawing, and learning you wish to develop could elevate you to a better mood or state of being that could spread to other people. As for arrogance or being cocky, it is an overabundance of promoting yourself by bringing others down and viewing them as inferior to you. A hyper competitive behavior where you attempt to establish yourself as the dominant, central person by others below you and suppress the confidence within other people's as oppose to bringing that flicker of confidence inside of them.

Some examples of arrogant characters are Gaston from Beauty & the Beast and Jamie Tartt from Ted Lasso. Both characters carry themselves quite in high regard with their abilities, Gaston being handsome, muscular, and a hunter, though his personality is rancid and does not rejections well when Belle rejected him. As for Jamie, he is quite skilled at Football (Soccer) and could be one of the greats however, his arrogance isolates him from his teammates which creates a harmful environment as he hoards the spotlight and it is evident with each goal and lonesome celebration of shouting "Me!!" whilst pointing at his name and number to the audience.

Instead of drawing people to you, arrogance makes you push people away due to downplaying others and their skills, inflating the atmosphere with yourself as opposed to a shared area, or hindering yourself from happiness and others’ happiness as well. Learning and knowing the difference between the two is essential as you explore and discover the confidence that brings people to your side and alleviates them.

If you have find or catch yourself being arrogant instead of confident, there is always hope in growing and unlearning what you have instilled within yourself. You may not share the same fate as Gaston’s demise or the alienation that Jamie put himself, but they serve as cautionary tales of how arrogance can lead to a downward spiral and isolating, unhappy manner of living.

As mentioned, Jamie Tartt from Ted Lasso is an arrogant character. Still, throughout the show, he learns to unlearn what his father, the source of his many unhealthy traits, had instilled in him and starts to become confident in sharing the spotlight with his fellow teammates and lifting them up instead of dragging them down as he did in the first season. He also develops healthy relationships with friends, himself, and revitalize his football career to the potential it lacked before.

Another aspect of developing confidence is being comfortable with laughing at yourself and taking ownership of abilities and activities that you enjoy and are good at. Being comfortable with laughing at yourself when a mistake is one of many ways to go about the world and a motivator to keep pursuing whatever you want to try or do. An example could be drawing, painting, or playing an instrument, requiring time, patience, and mistakes to hold on to the basics. Still, once you get it, you could do anything like Kurt Cobain through paraphrasing: Just the basic chords and a power chord, and that's all you need to play guitar.

Getting the basics to play is important, but I believe it is more important to say to yourself, “yeah, I only do power chords but I can make a ton of noise doing so and I'm having fun.” Another example is the anime movie On-Gaku: Our Sound; it's about these three kids who start a band and are novices when playing but are confident in their primal sound because they enjoy making noise and owning it. So, again, if a mistake is made, just keep moving forward and try not to allow fear of mistakes, embarrassment, and so on to hold you back from achieving or doing what you want to do and the potential enjoyment as well. As Ackerman suggests about handling fear, you can “be grateful for fear. (...) learn to eagerly embrace it, understand its origin and use it as a signpost for what needs to be dealt with, a powerful tool to declutter the mental closets.”

For my fellow Readers who struggle with self-confidence, it is essential to keep in mind that it is a process that can be learned and refined as Ackerman provides the definition from Psychology Definition, “self-confidence as an individual’s trust in his or her own abilities, capacities, and judgments, or belief that he or she can successfully face day to day challenges and demands.” It is and can be difficult to trust in yourself when failure, or rather the fear of possible failure and the outcomes that come with it, are pretty paralyzing but, admittedly, it is a part of it, and you have to keep moving forward in the pursuit of a strong sense of healthy self-confidence.

Citations

Ackerman, E. Courtney. “What is Self-Confidence”. Positive Psychology. July 9, 2018. https://positivepsychology.com/self-confidence/

Chef, Katelyn. “How to Be Confident and Build Self-Esteem”. Today. July 11, 2023. https://www.today.com/life/inspiration/how-to-be-confident-rcna43144

Fran. “How to build confidence: 5 tips for being more confident”. Future Learn. May 18, 2022. https://www.futurelearn.com/info/blog/general/how-to-build-confidence-5-tips-being-more-confident

Morin, Amy. “How to Be More Confident: 9 Tips That Work”. Very Well Mind. January 26, 2024. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-boost-your-self-confidence-4163098

Content Writer, SDSU Alumni, Poet, Amateur Photographer

Loneliness has always been with us from nomadic tribes to now. It is an experience that is relatively normal, it has reached a rather concerning level that the US Surgeon General, Vivek Hallegere Murthy, declared an epidemic. The question of, how could being lonely be considered an epidemic if it is a regular occurrence? The answer lies in a severe form, chronic loneliness (C.L.), that has profound effects on our mental and physical health. Murthy’s advisory report, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation,” and a Rich Roll podcast episode, “U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek On America’s Epidemic of Loneliness,” explain that chronic loneliness is being lonely for a long enough time that it starts to have dire effects.

“It is associated with greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, anxiety, and premature death. The morality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity…harmful consequences…where performance, productivity, and engagement are diminished” (Murthy, 4).

The health risks are alarming. However, the number of people experiencing C.L. is eye-catching, with “approximately half of U.S. adults report experiencing loneliness, some of the highest rates among young adults” (Murthy, 9). People often feel lonely enough to develop C.L. and increase various health risks, so how can we combat this experience? Murthy provides a few suggestions in his report and on the podcast.

Firstly, a reminder to men and masculine people: we are social creatures, so we must reconsider or throw out norms and expectations that hinder our need for satisfying bonds. We should improve relationships with friends, family, and partners by maintaining consistent communication. It is important to converse frequently since these relations are more accessible to dust off and reconnect to lessen our loneliness and the recipients’. Another is interacting with them out of the blue instead of needing a life event to start a conversation. Simply wanting to talk to them is enough reason to reach out, especially if you miss them or are lonely, instead of doubling down on your isolation and combating it on your own.

Secondly, attending events, festivals, or hobby meetings could dissipate loneliness and isolation. An example could be book clubs where you could communicate and share your enthusiasm with others who share your hobby and develop new connections. These activities allow you to be authentic and feel elevated and connected with your community. However, there is a cautionary aspect to this need for belonging, “our fundamental human need for belonging is so strong that we may seek it out even in ways that may be unhealthy to ourselves…participation in gangs and joining extremist or other harmful groups” (Murthy, 43).

Examples of these harmful groups that address and connect with experiencing loneliness and isolation are incel communities, men’s rights groups, and far-right groups. These groups provide a space of mutuality, companionship, and even advice on chronic loneliness, belonging, and other issues–catering to men and masculine people. However, the ideas, practices, and solutions they provide to these lonely men have the opposite result of what those men want. As they commit themselves to these groups, they are further isolated from potentially healthy connections, for these groups exploit and thrive on their loneliness to indoctrinate them with harmful ideas and even encourage the enactment of violence against other people. So be wary when seeking to belong to groups and communities that may worsen your health and identity.

Lastly, becoming a regular of a store, a restaurant, or a frequent visitor to a park helps with loneliness, as the presence of people could be fulfilling. This is an experience I can attest to in college, where I would sit on a bench in my gap period and become familiar with them. In my final semester, I spent less time on campus and felt a deep loneliness as Murthy expressed, “I expect[ed] to miss family and friends [but] what I didn’t expect to miss strangers” (Rich Roll Podcast). The loss of being around strangers is serious to our health as it is something we have all learned during the Covid lockdowns so it is time to return to those places that can become familiar.

Chronic loneliness is a serious matter that we must address among our circles by pushing back certain norms that limit our interactions from being earnest and checking in on each other. My last advice for you is to be honest and transparent with people regardless if it goes against the norm such as telling your friends how much you appreciate them or other expressions of affection. Never stop displaying your love because it can help you and the recipient of your sincere thoughts.

Citations

Murthy, H. Vivek. Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation. Health and Human Services. 2023https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf

The Rich Roll Podcast. “U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy on America’s Epidemic Of Loneliness”. Spotify.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/5BSjaVq3CvbgnSs6axhNEn?si=145bb85ac3084b23

When I think back, I can recognize signs as early as kindergarten. However, it wasn’t until the summer between 7th and 8th grades that I knew with certainty I was gay. We were in line for Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin at Disneyland. The man in front of us was wearing a tank top. I don’t remember much else about him except his hair. He was a ginger, and not just on his head. He had a full pelt of chest and armpit hair spilling out of his tank top. I was mesmerized. Recognizing I was gay was not a relief. No. At that moment, it felt like the darkest timeline.

Society and my family had taught me that being gay was wrong. Men liked women. That was the way of the world. Sitting in the back of our family’s white Ford Aerostar minivan driving back to Phoenix from Anaheim, I vowed never to act on my newly realized attraction to men. Maybe it was just a phase? Maybe I could still be “normal” and get married to a woman and have a family. Maybe I would be a monk? I could only confidently say I would never act on my feelings.

I still remember interacting with my grandma while visiting Florida one summer. She had come into the bedroom I was staying in to let me know a group of teenage girls was in the pool. When I said I’d rather keep reading, she said, “Don’t tell me you don’t like girls like your cousin?!?” I’m still unsure who this cousin is, but it confirmed my commitment to chastity. Only one person in my class was “out” when I graduated from high school in 1999. I had crushes on boys, but I never acted on my interests. Besides, I was an overweight nerd, editor of the yearbook, and a little too vocal about my love of Star Trek; nobody expected me to have romantic interests, male or female.

It wasn’t until after high school that my defenses started to slip when I met the girl who changed my life. I was working my first job at Blockbuster Video, and Megan immediately saw me for what I was. Not only was she proudly “out” with her sexuality, but she was cool. She got me to talk about my crush on one of the assistant managers, and she introduced me to the gay scene in Phoenix. I was only 18, so my options were limited. She took me to bookstores, after-hours clubs, and my first Pride. The world was opening up to me for the very first time. I saw a glimmer that maybe it was OK to be gay.

It was during this time that I came out to those around me. Mostly close friends to start, but gradually, I became comfortable with this being part of my identity with new people in my life. The outliers were my family. Based on snide comments and the context of knowing them my entire life, I was certain they would not accept me if they found out. Then, I met a boy. Chad was my first boyfriend. He was cute, fun, and confident in his sexuality- all of the things I wasn’t. Chad and I moved in together after only a few months of dating. After I graduated from high school, my family had moved to Kansas. They purchased a small house for me to live in while I attended college and would visit several times a year. Shortly after Chad moved in, my mother announced she would visit. I was excited to see her but panicked at what to do about the man who was living with me. I asked him to stay with a friend for the weekend and set up a second bedroom to give the appearance I lived with a roommate. Her flight back to Kansas was scheduled when I was at work. When I got home that evening, I found a note on my pillow from my mother telling me that she knew I had chosen an “alternative lifestyle” but that she still loved me. I didn’t talk to her for over a month after that, and our relationship has never been the same.

Through all of this, I still maintained the shame of being gay. Society stigmatizes and caricatures our identity. We’re the GBF (gay best friend), fun co-worker, or we’re dying of AIDS. I began working in the beauty industry in 2002. All of a sudden, if you were male, it was assumed you were gay. It was like a mirror universe where straight people had to come out instead of the reverse. I had found my people. I continued my journey of becoming comfortable with my sexuality, but it was during this time that I also became aware of how this played into masculinity and my role as a cis-gendered man in the world.

I met my next serious boyfriend in 2006, and he changed the world for me in many ways. None more important than these two:

1) He and I moved from Phoenix, AZ, to Seattle, WA. 

2) He introduced me to crystal meth. 

The moment I met him was a fulcrum point in the trajectory of my life. To this day, I have a love-hate relationship with him, Seattle, and meth. 

My journey through meth addiction and into recovery is what ultimately led me to acceptance of who I am. Knowing my life without this experience is impossible, but I am grateful for the lessons. He and I used meth together off and on for about a year until we broke up. I continued using sporadically without him after our breakup, but my relationship with meth waned as my social connections in Seattle began to blossom. I drank on weekends and would sometimes do cocaine with friends, but I stayed away from meth for several years after that relationship ended.

In 2011, that all changed. I worked too much, leaving little to no time for my social or home lives. I wasn’t just burning the candle at both ends; I had stuck it in the oven at 450˚. I started using cocaine regularly as “daddy’s little helper” to get things done. When I lost my dealer, meth was easier to find and served the same purpose for a fraction of the price. Things only got worse when my dealer showed me how to slam. (For the uninitiated, slamming is slang for injecting) And, WOW. Never had I felt something so intense. I had always been awkward and ashamed of my sexuality. With the meth rushing through my veins, none of that mattered. The pleasure was paramount. 

Within the space of just a few months, I lost everything. I went from being at the top of my career and having a strong social network to being unemployed and ostracized by my friends. I would have been unhoused if my family hadn’t paid to move me back to Arizona. There, things only got worse. Pulled away from everything I knew and loved, I had no purpose. I wasn’t working, and I was living with my parents. Receiving $500 a week from unemployment with few expenses and nothing but time left me both listless and without hope. I attempted suicide on multiple occasions, but ultimately, this was the beginning of my long recovery journey.

I spent about 10 months in Tucson and Phoenix before moving to Olympia, WA, where I resided for 6 months. In the spring of 2013, a friend coaxed me back to Seattle to work at a salon he was opening. I had been sober for close to a year, and life felt like it was getting back on track. Between 2012 and 2016, I attempted sobriety on my own with mixed results. I had periods of use that would last months at a time. I had learned to recognize when my life was getting close to the edge and was skilled at pulling myself back from the precipice. However, I was stuck in a causality loop, repeating the same mistakes and repairs in what felt like perpetuity. 

To be a man is to be strong. You must not show weakness or admit fault. These qualities were reinforced in my upbringing and by society. The predominant model of recovery available is based on the 12 steps, and its foundation requires anonymity outside of groups. There is a structured foundation from which people can build their recovery, a roadmap to follow that doesn’t allow room for deviation from the date you start. To be clear, I have nothing wrong with this model. It has saved countless lives. It just didn’t work for me. Holding hands, reading from a book, asking for money, and referring to God with a capital “G” felt too much like church. As a gay man, the church has never been particularly welcoming.

What saved my life and helped me come to terms with what masculinity actually looks like was the harm reduction-based model of recovery I found in Strength Over Speed (SOS). The harm reduction model acknowledges that recovery is as unique as the individual and is rarely linear. I was drawn to meeting people where they’re at; not being beholden to a specific date and accepting that someone is in recovery when they say they’re in recovery has always felt more authentic. 

There are 10 group agreements that we read at the beginning of each SOS meeting. These are four of the most important and the ones that bonded me to this brotherhood for life:

• Abstinence: This is a safe place for those who wish to continue and/or build on their

abstinence from Crystal Meth. 

• Respect: SOS respects all identities and recovery journeys. SOS is a closed group for gay, queer, bisexual men, trans-masculine/men, and nonbinary/genderfluid AMAB individuals. Many tools and options help people reach their goals; all ideas are welcome and will be supported.

• Relapse: You are encouraged to discuss any relapse in the group to benefit learning and growth. You will not be shamed or thrown out of the group if you relapse.

• Discussions of Sexuality: Discussions revolve around Crystal use, sexual behaviors, struggling with sexual compulsion, and/or sex as a trigger for Crystal use. This is not a pick-up joint! Please respect each other’s sexual boundaries & feel free to discuss this with the facilitator or moderator leading these groups.

I felt accepted for the first time through the recovery I found in SOS. Not only was it OK to be gay, but it was OK to talk about it. It was OK to have feelings and to express our love for each other in a healthy way that was both sexual and platonic at the same time. I recognized that masculinity wasn’t defined by being butch and having sex with women. Each person defined it for themselves. There was strength in vulnerability. You could be gay (and even FLAMBOYANT) while still being masculine. There is strength in the community.

I have been active in recovery since November 2016. One of the few positive things from Donald Trump’s presidential election was an understanding that I needed to be clear-headed for the four years to come. That doesn’t mean my recovery has been perfect. Like most journeys, recovery isn’t linear. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes, there are detours, and sometimes you must start over. Shame and stigma are two of the biggest barriers to a person’s recovery. Society teaches us that people who use drugs are bad. They are undeserving of love and respect. More than anything, they have committed the cardinal sin of masculinity: they are weak. 

This presumption of weakness could not be more off base. To survive the proverbial gauntlet of fire that is thrown down by both our own brains and the trappings of society is something that not everyone survives. Those who make it through, the people I’ve met in recovery, are some of the strongest I’ve ever met. Today, I proudly identify as a gay man living with HIV in long-term recovery from crystal meth addiction. I am still learning what masculinity means to me, but I’m here for where that journey takes me.

“My heart goes out to you for the hardships you have faced. Please don't let it stop you from trusting others," she said.

"Many good people will treat you with the respect you deserve. I wish I could turn the clock back and erase the hurt you have experienced." I heard her again. I slowly raised my head and looked around to find out who was speaking, and I felt surprised to find out that she had been addressing me all this time. I didn’t even realize she was sitting just beside me.

"I can see the stress in your eyes my dear and  the pain you feel in your Heart." She spoke again, and I kept wondering what in the world she intended to tell me. Was this a scam? 

I had never encountered a situation where a stranger approached me and tried to start a conversation. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, not knowing the motive behind her words. This was utterly new to me and, at the same time, scary. My inner self pushed me to start talking to her, but I was reluctant and couldn't speak. There was a brief silence. I wished she could have left me alone, but it didn't happen. We boarded the same flight, which landed in Dallas; since I had no bags checked in, I dragged myself to the taxi area without wasting time and headed home.

The stranger incident hung over my thoughts like a dark cloud, creating a sense of unease whenever I recalled that moment. I don't know if she meant what I went through and what I'm going through or if she just threw a stone in the dark.

To cut it short, let me introduce myself and delve into the story behind my misery.

A Simple Background

“A Child’s back must be made to bend, but not broken. He must be ruled, but not with a rod of Iron. His spirit must be conquered, but not crushed.”

                                                                                   -Charles Spurgeon.

I suffered years of psychological, emotional, and physical abuse at the hands of my father. All through my childhood, he beat me, insulted me, compared me to others, degraded me, and emotionally blackmailed me. He constantly called me stupid, worthless, lazy, and left me in a constant state of fear and stress. Even though he was nice to me sometimes, he was never loving or friendly in any way, and I was never sure if that was his nature or if I was being targeted. This treatment continued throughout my teenage years. My confidence was smashed, and my whole attitude around him was terrible. I felt worthless, embarrassed, stupid, and unwanted, and my cognitive skills were diminished both at school and in day-to-day life. I felt like a fallen leaf that lost its connection with the Tree of Life. People picked on me; some relatives and friends realized this and pitied me. Others, including my younger brother, exhibited disappointing behavior because he had always been our father's favorite. Most of the time, he treated my younger brother differently from me. As a result, my little brother had become overly confident and started to resemble my father in various ways, sometimes even surpassing him. My little brother observed and learned from my father, taking my presence for granted. However, my father failed to understand the long-term effects of his differential treatment towards his sons. 

My father was friendly and pleasant to others; this was something I couldn't do. He never extended that same behavior towards me. I loved my family unconditionally and I used to take care of all household chores and helped my parents, especially my beloved mother, whenever she needed me. I wished for my father to be a feminist; he should be good to women without making it all about himself and should accept that women can decide for themselves and be independent. My father failed to understand one thing: By degrading my mother and us in front of others, he sacrificed the closeness with his permanent family members. Also, he didn't understand that by humiliating his permanent family members and treating them poorly in front of others, he gave others a chance to behave in the same way towards them. To be honest, he kept his face tidy, but his soul was a mess. 

They say, “Kids are a reflection of their parents.” What had I become under the shade of my father? I was always in a defensive mood and attacked others; eventually, I drove them away if they joked with me, even if it was intended in a friendly way. Growing up, I never felt comfortable with myself and my skills. But I tried to be sincere, nurturing, and emotional. Since I was sensitive and harbored deep inner pain, my personal struggles manifested as arrogance. I was not aware that being expressive was necessary, and I became the type of person who wouldn’t confront someone and just walk away if they tried to cheat on me or hurt me. When someone owed me money, I would be too scared to ask, losing a lot of money. One day, a hulking man grabbed my seat on the bus and refused to move. It was my seat, I could have argued, but I let it go. Gentleman syndrome enveloped me and turned me into a coward. 

Into my twenties, he continued the mind games and verbal abuse, and into my thirties, nothing changed; the same shouting, name-calling, and psychological torture drove me to the brink of a complete emotional breakdown. Trying to figure out my identity was a stressful experience and a process that often left me feeling overwhelmed. When I turned 28, our first child was born. When I turned 30, the second one was born within a gap of 13 months. I wished for my parents to lend me a helping hand, but they didn’t. I always felt like I was alone and broken. I tried to be strong, mainly for my kids. I tried to cry many times, but my mind always reminded me that I'm a man and I should never cry. Inside, I fought with myself. At some point, even my mother turned against me, listening to my father. I had developed a mass of anxiety in my mind since childhood, and it was all falling upon me. I tried to hide it but couldn't, and I got aggravated every time I spoke with him.

Rebirth

In my college days, I would return home after class. Since it was winter, Mr. Sun had to take off sooner and the day was gloomy and dark clouds. I couldn't see correctly while I was getting off the bus. In those days in India, buses were not equipped with automatic doors, and some buses didn't even have doors to secure people in, so we had to ensure our own safety while getting off a stopped bus. I couldn't judge whether the bus was stopped or still. Running and in a hurry, I stepped down from the back entrance, not realizing the driver had accelerated without any caution. I flew in the air and landed on the road like a falling star, and hit the back of my head on the ground so hard that I went into shock and became unconscious for a few minutes. 

Fortunately, no running vehicles were on the road by God's grace. People who saw me rushed towards me and dragged me immediately onto the sidewalk so I could breathe and recover. One kid collected my wallet, bag, and other stuff and graciously handed them to me. I thanked everyone for saving my life and headed home. That day was my second birthday and I always Thank God for saving my life. I keep him in my thoughts in every moment of my life.

When I came home, my mother sensed something fishy had happened and embraced me with care and love. I explained what had happened, and she examined me and immediately rushed me to urgent care. After a few x-rays and examinations, the news came out that I went into shock and that I had to rest for a couple of days. My mother was with me and cared for me while I was resting. My father behaved like nothing happened, making it seem that he didn’t care.

On that day, I decided I had to do something!

Canada

I was desperate and wanted to run away from home. I started looking at universities in the USA and Canada. My goal was always to move to the US, but I couldn’t apply to US universities because I feared getting rejected. Even though I had good grades because of my father's constant nagging and humiliation at home, I lost the appetite for applying to universities. Yet I still wanted to get away from home to a place where I could find some peace. A question always lingered: How does living in a different country feel? I thought I was drawing a simple sketch, but it turned out that GOD had painted a masterpiece for me. I got admission into a Canadian college and also got a student visa. But I didn’t stop there. I planned to move to the USA whenever I could. Finally, it happened!

Nevertheless, during that time, I frequently felt depressed and anxious. I wasn’t even in a mindset to let it go. It never occurred to me that it would be easier to let go of things I  could not change and instead look on the brighter side. My parents, friends, and well-wishers did not pass these invaluable lessons to me. Whenever I imagined the story of my life and how different it could have been if I had gained knowledge and wisdom on practicing being positive, proactive, and disciplined - made me speechless. The absence of these insights left me mulling over the untapped reservoir of strength and resilience I might have cultivated from childhood. 

Land of Opportunities

I moved to the US when I was 24, but nothing changed immediately. My Father was so money-minded and always expected me to send him money every month, and I did, and I do the same now. But that didn’t change anything. After living far away from him, seeing the beauty of the world, and tasting the delights of peace, I learned what kind of a person he is:  “A Narcissist!”. All these years, I was under the shade of this self-centered and egotistical person and thought that what I went through was a normal life. I realized the real meaning of being average. It was time to confront things and take a stand for myself. I was afraid to do so because I feared what others would think about me, and I thought I wouldn’t be able to make any friends if they came to know that I went against my father. I thought I was all alone until I learned that many people like myself went through rough times. 

I met with a couple of friends in Philadelphia and learned about their struggles and how they turned themselves to fight them and became strong; that’s where I learned about positive masculinity. That sparked my soul and uplifted my spirits. At that moment, I realized that it had been 7 years since I lost interest in what I loved most. Reading books and writing were traits that were always my strengths, but because of the circumstances, I portrayed them as weaknesses. I also learned that a person’s true gift should be his empathy. I have intense empathy for others but trouble connecting with people and making friends. It was time for me to learn how to make and trust friends. Nurturing and vulnerability are usually considered women’s traits, so when men exhibit these kinds of traits, they are treated as vulnerable, and they are considered weak. I understood that establishing deep human connections are the core of a person's character development, and I needed to work on it. I also understood that it would not happen overnight and it was a process that could take a lifetime, so I practiced patience.

Positive masculinity emphasizes kindness, empathy, emotional intelligence, and the ability to communicate openly. Men can be emotionally expressive and express their emotions without feeling insecure, embrace vulnerability, and build healthy relationships based on mutual understanding and respect. It is okay for men or boys to display vulnerability, moral courage, and emotional intelligence. 

Final Thoughts

America is not just a Land of Opportunities but more than that. This country taught me to be strong to survive, not quit, always start from zero, and be a better person! 

The life lesson I learned is, “If you can embrace your vulnerabilities and actively address them then that effort paves a path to positive personal growth, leading to a significantly improved lifestyle (Mac McGregor).”

Stay tuned for the upcoming blog post, where I unveil the pleasant-sounding melody of self-improvement. Keep an eye out! 

Going through a global pandemic, we got used to wearing masks. The right kind can save your life and other people’s lives. But wearing another kind of mask, while it may seem promising in the short term, can lead to difficulty and heartbreak in relationships.

Whether you’re a fan of Scooby-Doo or Mission Impossible, we all know that moment when the mask gets peeled off of a person, and you find out that they are somebody completely different inside. That’s what it can often be like when you wear the mask of traditional masculinity. It’s a competitive, aggressive front designed to look impressive and intimidating – while hiding the wearer’s true identity.

The positively masculine person tries not to wear masks and recognizes that it’s possible to be competitive, aggressive, and successful without making that the basis of one’s image. As Mac McGregor says, “People need to have the freedom to define masculinity for themselves.” Positive masculinity doesn't mean you're not competitive; it means you're not projecting that competitiveness. It doesn’t mean you’re not aggressive, but you’re not advertising that aggressiveness out into the world. 

Aggressive masculinity is like those cars with loud resonator mufflers, designed to seem impressive even though they don’t add one lick of performance.  Or pro wrestlers who spend most of their time talking smack to intimidate opponents. Or spray tans. They all project an image designed to intimidate, but none is actually about doing the thing better.

Ninjas don’t talk a big game. They don’t drive up with sirens and flashing lights on their Ninjamobile while wearing fluorescent orange windbreakers blaring “NINJA” in big letters. Ninjas wear black and stay quiet to get to their goals undetected. They don’t have to awe or intimidate; they just get the job done. You can be a relationship ninja in the personal or private world. 

In the business world, the quiet approach is a clever tactic because it is easier to achieve your goals if your rivals don't see you as threatening. Like a ninja, you’ll have accomplished your goal before they knew you were going for it. Being loud and intimidating tells the whole world you’re coming and precisely what you want.  Intimidation is about trying to win without fighting. But positively masculine people recognize they can win without requiring others to lose. Building a positive relationship in business or personal life is not about conquest.  At least it isn’t if you want to build something that endures. Those who are the object of conquest tend not to take it well— just ask the Ukrainians.

If you want to know how that translates to your personal life, just ask a simple question: How many people want to date someone they see as aggressive or threatening? Do you?

We may not know much about the social life of ninjas. And we won’t claim that being positively masculine means getting dates easier. But it does mean that the people with you are more eager to be there and have more interest in you because you started by showing them more of who you are. You didn’t try to fit some image of what a man is supposed to be like. You were quietly, confidently, yourself. 

Society tries to teach us the people we seek will respond to our claimed virility or projected testosterone. Some may like that kind of image; some may not. But if you’re not trying to project an image but just be an authentic man, not only will people respond more positively, but those relationships are more likely to last. Why? Because they are seeing who you are from the start. They’re not being attracted to some image that may fall away someday. They don’t have to fear that Act Three reveals that the hero quarterback is a tentacled alien.

At the same time, you will be more secure, because you know that you’re not pretending to be something or someone you’re not just to attract people. You’ll know they are with you because they want to be with you, not with some “he-man” image you projected. As a female acquaintance recently said, “You’re a real person to me, not a persona.” 

Or look at it the way another female acquaintance recently expressed it: Imagine you're on an island full of beautiful, majestic birds, and everyone else is chasing them around with fistfuls of birdseed, begging them to perch (or even worse, expecting the birds to clamor to take the seed, doing anything to get it). If you instead sit down calmly, arrange some birdseed around you in an appealing pattern, and wait at the center, still, palms open and overflowing with birdseed... you can have the exact same birdseed as everyone else. Indeed, everyone else can have better birdseed, but you're creating an environment where it feels safe and appealing to come down and peck at it if they want to will make you stand out.

And here’s the thing: showing the world who you really are and not trying to project an image is a strong expression of confidence. Embracing positive masculinity rather than an artificial construct of what a man is “supposed to be” shows an understanding of and belief in who you are and that confidence can be powerfully attractive. Radiating an image of pre-fabricated manliness is the mark of an insecure person. They don’t know who they are and/or don’t trust that people will like who they are. So they try to be somebody else, often somebody we are told people are supposed to find attractive.

How does positive masculinity express itself once the relationship gets going? Treating the other person not as a prize or a territory to be conquered but centering the relationship on them, their needs, interests, and desires is a great way to navigate healthy masculinity. Often, traditional masculinity tells us that the man is in charge of the relationship and should decide how it’s going to go. The relationship exists to give him what he wants. Of course, any relationship should give us what we want – but not at the other person's expense. It’s a cooperative effort, not an aggressive one. How often have you seen two people in a relationship, each trying to “win”? And how often has that worked out well, particularly when compared to people who work together to shape a common future?

Positive masculinity rejects gender roles in a relationship. It doesn’t mean that certain things become duties or responsibilities because one party identifies a certain way. It acknowledges that there are times and places when masculine attributes are helpful but reserve them for those situations and doesn’t try to make every event, discussion, or difference in a relationship a referendum on one’s manliness. And that masculinity isn’t threatened if the other partner occasionally takes on roles traditionally associated with maleness.

Look, competitiveness has a place in life. Aggression has a place. Even masks and costumes have a place (we call that Halloween.) However, approaching relationships with positive masculinity makes things easier and can help attract the kind of people you want to be with. Those who are attracted to masks and false fronts can look elsewhere. Being the authentic, confident, real you is its own kind of cool, and aren’t you really most interested in the kind of people who are attracted to that?

Content Writer for Positive Masculinity, English BA Graduate, and Cat Mom of 3

Bluey is a popular Australian children’s show that follows the everyday life of the Heeler family: Bandit, Chili, and their young daughters Bluey and Bingo. The show not only explores the complex dynamics of family life, but also cultivates a strong sense of creativity and imagination. Contrary to what many would assume, however, Bluey has managed to provide a lot of thoughtful insight for young kids and parents. More specifically, the way Bandit communicates with Bluey and Bingo is a valuable model for fathers seeking to cultivate positive relationships with their children. 

If you’ve ever struggled to reinforce your bond with your child, or if you feel your fathering techniques could use some polishing, you’ve come to the right blog post! Here are the top four lessons that fathers can learn from Bandit Heeler:

1. Bandit Allows His Daughters to Express Their Emotions

One of the most amazing things about Bandit is his ability to empathize with his daughters regardless of their feelings. Bluey, a six-year-old, and Bingo, four, navigate a wide spectrum of emotional experiences typical for children of that age group. Throughout Bluey, there are many moments where either Bluey or Bingo become angry, frustrated, or sad and don’t know how to process their emotions. 

Bandit and Chili are building their children's emotional intelligence by allowing Bluey and Bingo to feel their negative emotions and work through them rather than bottling them up. As a father, your first instinct might be to shut down your child’s big feelings. What you might not know, however, is that “[w]hen a child learns to express her feelings of anger, frustration, anxiety, sadness, etc… [it] leads to a healthier pattern of thinking, feeling and behaving, which in turn leads to good physical health and well-being” (Dilip). 

A perfect example of this is in the episode titled “Bike.” In this episode, Bluey gets frustrated because she can’t get the hang of learning how to ride a bike and wants to quit trying. At this moment, Bandit could have disregarded how Bluey was feeling, but instead, he had her sit next to him so they could observe the other children in the park struggling to complete various activities. He uses their struggles to teach Bluey the beauty and value of perseverance, and in the end, Bluey can get back up and try riding her bike again.

2. Bandit Encourages His Daughters to Set Healthy Boundaries

One episode of Bluey that sticks out, in particular, is called “Yoga Ball.” In this episode, Bandit is playing with his daughters but realizes that the way he roughouses with Bluey is a bit too much for Bingo. At first, Bingo is a bit nervous about confronting her dad about the issue but is encouraged by her mother to talk to him about it. As he was being confronted, it would have been straightforward for Bandit to deflect the blame and tell Bingo to get over it; she was being too dramatic, or even that he did nothing wrong. Instead, he apologizes and allows her to set a safeword (her big girl bark), which acts as a way for him to tell when he’s playing too rough with her. 

Allowing children to set boundaries is an important way to help them prosper in future relationships. Colleen Kessler, an expert in special education and author of several parenting books, weighs in on allowing children to set boundaries: “We create an environment that fosters trust, validation, and emotional well-being…” Additionally, she says that “[u]nderstanding boundaries is… important for our children’s emotional growth… [and e] encouraging open communication and celebrating the strength it takes to set boundaries ensures that our children grow up with a strong sense of self-worth and mutual respect.”

Many adults, myself included, had no idea how to set boundaries when the time came to put them in place. I had to build the courage to set boundaries only after getting hurt. Even now, asserting clear boundaries and sticking to them is something I struggle with. Had I been allowed to practice boundary-making as a child, I would not be as uncomfortable as I am today. 

3. Bandit is Always Committed to the Bit

In almost every instance of imaginative play, Bandit is always willing to go along with whatever Bluey and Bingo have come up with. While many may find it embarrassing to continue this type of play in public settings, Bandit never shies away from going along with his daughters' plans. From a fathering perspective, engaging in play with your children is extremely important to their development. 

Bandit is always ready to jump into playtime with his daughters; there are so many instances that I can’t list them all here. One of the episodes that stands out to me, though, is called “Rug Island”. In this episode, the girls unleash their creativity in the backyard with a pack of felt pens, turning it into their own island. In his typical fashion, Bandit embraces the imaginative play and joins in on the fun. 

If you feel more comfortable watching your child play from the sidelines rather than jumping in, why is that? Is it because they have siblings to play with? Or maybe because you feel too busy with work or other responsibilities? Regardless of what the reason is, your child will appreciate the gesture, and it will deepen your connection with them. “Playing with kids builds a bond that will last forever. It lets the child know he or she is loved and appreciated. It opens the door for sharing problems and concerns when the need arises. It helps the parent get to know and understand the uniqueness of each child. It is also a great stress reducer for overworked parents” (Child Development Institute).

4. Bandit is Willing to Own up to His Mistakes

No parent can always be perfect, and that’s okay. However, when parents mess up, many are afraid to apologize after the fact. “Historically, parents have been afraid that saying, ‘I'm sorry,’ makes them look weak or takes away their authority. On the contrary, it actually makes parents look strong. It shows they care enough to take responsibility for their negative actions and make amends. Furthermore, children get the crucial message that their parents do not want to hurt their feelings—they are loved” (Wallace). 

Although he can be a bit of a sore loser occasionally, Bandit acknowledges his imperfections. In the episode “Dance Mode,” Bandit eats Bingo’s last french fry, assuming she doesn’t want it. Understandably, Bingo was very upset by this. This might not seem like a big deal to many, but research shows that apologizing when you mess up is extremely important and that children have an intrinsic need to validate their emotions. “Children have a wide range of emotions, and they can be unpredictable, and when parents say, ‘it’s not a big deal,’ they are minimizing what their child is going through. [P]arents technically imply that their child’s feelings are wrong, or even worse, that they don’t matter. This can lead children to grow to hide their feelings because they believe that it is not ok to get upset over certain things, which may not aid in healthy mental health” (Wehrli). 

Bandit apologizes for eating Bingo’s last french fry and does his best to make it up to her on her terms to validate her feelings about the situation. This not only improves Bingo’s trust and overall bond with Bandit, but it will allow Bingo to thrive in her future relationships because she will know the validity of her feelings.

In Bluey, we find a children’s show and a blueprint for fostering positive father-child communication. Bandit’s approach teaches us the importance of active listening, playfulness, and genuine connection, among other essential things. Parenting is one of the hardest jobs on the planet, and it can sometimes be difficult to know whether or not you’re doing a “good enough job.” I enthusiastically encourage any father figure facing the challenges of parenting to explore the world of Bluey, as it can ignite inspiration for you to be the best version of yourself as a parent. There is always something new to learn about being a parent, and all fathers should want to actively hone their techniques to give their children the best possible future. 

Works Cited

Dilip, Mina. “Why Expressing Emotions Is Healthy For Your Child.” Parent Circle.

Kessler, Colleen. “Helping Our Kids Set Healthy Boundaries.” Raising Lifelong Learners, April 10 2023.

“Playing With Your Child.” Child Development Institute.

Wallace (LSCW), Meri. “Should Parents Apologize?” Psychology Today, 17 May 2021.

Wehrli, Ashley. “It's Not A Big Deal" Is In Fact A Big Deal To Kids, Here's Why It Matters.” Moms.com, 18 February 2021.

Content Writer | Politics, Philosophy & Economics Student

After every therapy session I attended for the first few months, I would walk away with a weird mixture of gratitude and dissatisfaction. I could tell that I was making good, incremental progress on improving the physical symptoms I was experiencing, yet I wondered when we would finally get to the really hard-hitting stuff that would change my life for the better. One particularly difficult session led me to a sudden and startling revelation: therapy wasn’t going to fix me. How could it? I spent an hour a week in therapy, and 167 more on my own. If I was going to get better, I needed to rely on someone I had been trying to avoid this whole time: myself.

Therapy is a wonderful but limited tool. It can be useful to help guide those aforementioned 167 hours, certainly, but there are other resources and practices we can utilize in a similar way. I want to talk through some of the tactics I use to help myself during really taxing stretches of life so that you can think about similar experiences you might be able to foster for yourself.

Reading

I have struggled for my whole life with feeling unproductive and uninspired relative to my peers. It’s easy for me to lose sight of the things I care most about, and without any structure or discipline the issue tends to compound. I find it’s important to remember that no one has ever had an entirely unique experience, and as such there’s almost certainly someone out there who’s already worked through a similar situation to yours. Finding a self-help book or two can feel awkward and clunky at first, but emulating someone else’s formula is often far simpler than reinventing the wheel, especially at first. For me, that book is 7 Habits of Highly Effective People; author Stephen Covey lays out a wonderful framework for prioritizing the things that matter to you and setting meaningful goals. Spending a little while exploring the local library can only go so wrong, but I’ve found it particularly effective to ask for recommendations from friends or people online who seem to have gone through hardship similar to your own.

Writing

When I was in the tenth grade, I was bullied by a few of my female classmates; at its worst, I was sexually harassed during one of my classes. For a long time, I didn’t tell a soul about what had happened. How was I supposed to explain to anyone that I, a 6’3” white man, was being pushed around by a pair of smaller women? Would anyone take me seriously? I repressed those experiences to the point where I had all but forgotten about their existence— that is, until we were asked to write a personal essay for a class during my freshman year of college. I will never forget when I made the decision to put those lost feelings into words for the first time. My hands were shaking and my breathing was shallow. Yet once I had it all laid out in front of me, I felt an immense amount of relief. If I couldn’t tell anyone about these traumas, I could at least take control of the narrative and frame it for myself in a space outside of my head. Where reading can provide you with an outside perspective on your issue, writing can help you become an outside perspective, observing and retelling your own story as you learn more about yourself and deal with the aftermath of those experiences.

Calendaring

Honestly, I’m still working on doing this one as regularly as I would like. There are so many advantages to keeping a daily, weekly, and/or monthly calendar, depending on your preferences or what exactly you’re trying to accomplish. If you’re struggling with motivation, I think there is something intrinsically rewarding about being able to take a task and check it off your list every day. For similar reasons, calendars are also great if you’re left feeling like your days are too empty— I’ve even gone so far as to make retroactive to-do lists just to show myself how much work I put into a day, whether that effort is school/job-based, social, or otherwise. They’re a great tool if little events tend to slip your mind, or if you’re forgetful about long projects (this is the #1 reason I started, and it’s been a total lifesaver). And that’s only scratching the surface of what’s possible— with a little experimentation, you’d be hard-pressed not to find some other handy tool to take advantage of for yourself.

Drink Water, Get Fresh Air & Exercise

I saved the corny one for last! There’s a reason that all of these points have been beaten to death: they’re fundamental on a biological/hormonal level for both your health and happiness. I know I’m not the only one who completely lost sight of all of these things through the pandemic and loathes the thought of working out to begin with, so to those of you out there dealing with similar apathies, I would start with daily half-hour walks and carrying a water bottle around the house. If you want to build from there, great, and if not, you’ve at least found some easy regularity to rely on even when anything more can feel challenging.

At the end of the day, these things and any other advice I could give are far easier said than done. But whether we like it or not, loving yourself has the same implications as loving anyone else, and that means giving yourself your unconditional time and undivided attention when you recognize you need it. Most people are willing to move heaven and earth for their friends, but can’t muster the same motivation to give themselves that same grace— in the long run, this approach will leave you wounded and your friends without a support network. Prioritizing your mental health by incorporating healthy habits into your life, particularly when assisted by a therapist or healthcare professional, is the first and most important step towards being able to give your passions the proper attention they deserve.

Content Writer | Politics, Philosophy & Economics Student

“Honey, is something the matter? You don’t seem like yourself.” One simple question that ended up being the catalyst for a lot of positive change and growth to come.

I first started visiting my talk therapist when I was 16. I had recently gone through a terrible falling out with my best friend and noticed that some existing problems I was dealing with concerning my sleep and erratic stomach aches were only getting worse. I was afraid to admit to myself that something was wrong, that my parents might think these problems didn’t warrant intervention. Though I had considered reaching out to someone for a long time, it was only when my mom came to me with her concerns that I realized just how deeply I missed feeling like myself. Acknowledging what had been going wrong was my first step on a long journey to giving my mental health the prioritization that it, and I, deserve.

There are a million different reasons you could come up with to keep yourself from seeking help with your mental health. Justifying unacceptable problems is a really easy pattern to fall into— I have peers literally training to become therapists who are just as guilty of this as the masculine conservative folks on campus. That’s because we’re quick to compare the things that we’re dealing with to the plights others appear to be going through, which are almost always “more difficult” than our problems or are at least different enough that we can’t justify the time and energy it takes to find assistance. Masculine folks are not only the ones who are in the most need of healthy emotional channels thanks to a social stigma around “being a pussy” or “needing to grow a pair” for having valid feelings, but they are also the ones least likely to welcome those channels into their lives for fear of making those same “weaknesses” even more apparent.

I want to use this blog to explore my experience in hopes to shed some light on a process you might be unfamiliar with and get you thinking about the ways in which you can adjust your lifestyle that are brain-friendly. Because I have so many thoughts on the subject, this will be part one of a two-part series on mental health, starting today with an exploration of formal treatment methods before moving into more day-to-day options next time.

As is the case with most ventures we’ll take on in life, getting started is the hardest part. It’s difficult to know exactly where to begin, especially when conversations about mental health are regularly prefaced with “Everyone’s different, so you’ll have to figure out what works best for you.” What is often left unrecognized, however, is that everyone starts from the same handful of places in spite of those differences; it’s just a matter of committing to whichever catches your eye.

Let’s get the big one out of the way: Talking to a therapist is, more often than not, the right move to make, particularly if you haven’t had any prior experience with mental healthcare. The biggest upside to this approach is that you are going to receive support irrespective of whether or not you’re struggling with a diagnosable issue. Perhaps the biggest misconception I see made about therapy is that someone needs to be suicidal or having thoughts of self-harm before they seek intervention— in actuality, therapy is practically the same process regardless of your current state (excepting, of course, serious outliers). But that doesn’t mean you’re going to have a uniform experience no matter where you go. Every therapist handles their clients uniquely, and it is crucial that you and your therapist gel. This is someone who you’re going to want to be in this with for the long haul. Don’t be afraid to take your time in finding the right fit. Many therapists offer a free consulting session for you to get a feel for their style, and thanks in part to the pandemic there are great options for physical and online care alike. Try a few out before you commit to anyone.

If you’re instead curious about a particular condition you suspect you’re dealing with, or just want to learn more about the clinical perspective, most major healthcare providers will give referrals to their psychiatric department for anyone inquiring after mental health concerns. Note that this is not committing you to purchasing medication (in my opinion, caution in that particular respect is admirable) but diagnoses are often extremely liberating and practical in their own right. It opens up a clear path to progress for you that may not be available through other means.

Should neither of these routes strike your fancy for whatever reason, or price is simply too limiting a factor, there are other options to explore. Peer counseling groups are available across the country in various forms— some research online could get you in touch with nonprofit organizations ready to give you a little relief. You may have heard of BetterHelp, an online therapy platform that may prove cheaper than alternatives on balance. There’s also a lot of good reading material that you could grab from your local library to help provide you with some fresh perspective, and making a regular habit of journaling or otherwise checking in with your thoughts is never a bad move. Talking to someone close to you about your concerns is also a valid approach, but it is important that you’re very clear about your intentions and have their explicit permission before sharing your traumas, as 1. This person is likely not a professional and are therefore not always going to have the right answer and 2. You don’t want to unintentionally place undue pressure on anyone. Truly, if you can swing it, there are no perfect substitutes for talking to a professional.

I’ll be putting up part two next week focusing on how to maintain a healthy lifestyle between these larger bursts of help. Stay tuned!

Founder of Positive Masculinity

Also Known as The Gender Sensei

Author of Positive Masculinity Now, Speaker, Author, Coach, Former US Karate Team Champion, Martial Arts Hall of Fame Inductee

Wounded healers are not born but created by conquering adversities, pain, and suffering. They find ways to conquer their fears and to speak their truths in a world that pushes us to assimilate. They shine a light on hurt and loss to help others to find their way through adversities.

Carl Jung coined the term “wounded healer” to describe himself. Having overcome a tumultuous childhood, many noted figures have turned their pain into a quest to make the world a better place for everyone.

As a teenager, I heard Joni Eareckson speak at a youth event I attended. She was paralyzed from a diving accident and permanently in a wheelchair. Yet she talked about finding joy and light in the darkness of her injury. I remember feeling inspired by her; she wore a contagious smile even though her life had drastically changed and she faced many challenges. Her positive attitude would be hard to muster in her situation. As a young athlete, I could not imagine my ability to move freely being taken from me.

Her story showed me how to be a wounded healer, and I quickly followed suit. I knew many others in the world were experiencing situations similar to those I lived through; therefore, sharing my story could help them.

My mother got pregnant with me at only sixteen years old, and she did her best to hide the pregnancy as long as possible. My father was twenty-one, and they tried to make a go of it together, but their youth and challenges made it nearly impossible. By the time I was a year old, they had split, and my mother and I had moved in with my grandparents. My grandparents helped raise me in my younger years, but I constantly got pushed back and forth between them and my mother. My mother had married five times by the time she was twenty-five. She would take me away from my grandparents when she started a new relationship and felt settled. I never knew what would happen or where I would end up by the end of the day.

I have a little brother, who is almost four years younger than me, who was also there when I was with my mother. One night, when I was five, at my grandparents' house, I heard loud noises outside; I noticed my mom was not in the room, and we were all three there earlier. I stood in bed at my grandparents’ house and tried to peek out the window. I could only see lights, then my Nana opened the bedroom door, looked at me, and said, "no matter what happens, you stay in this room until one of us comes to get you." I nodded yes, and she shut the door and left. I tried to see what I could from the window; a bit later, I heard sirens and saw flashing police lights, then an ambulance came. After a while, my Nana returned and told me it was time to sleep. She did not explain what had happened; she just told me it was over now and that I needed to sleep. They took me to the hospital to see my mom a few days later. She was so swollen and bruised up that it was hard to recognize her. They had a police guard at her door. Her husband at the time showed up and was mad because she had left him. He had made several threats, like many abusers, that he would find her and kill her if she left. He tried to do just that.

It was scary as a little kid living with someone who could quickly become a monster. I saw him beat my mother many times and throw our entire dinner table across the room. When anyone said something that triggered him, he changed and became an uncontrollable monster full of rage. I remember that no one ever talked to me about that or any other violent things that happened over the years. No one ever asked little Mac, “Are you okay?” No therapy was given; at that time, you did not go to counseling in the South unless they called the white coats. No one helped me process these things; they were all busy running to fix each crisis my mother had.

My mother went on to marry many more times in life, and we later learned she was mentally ill. I knew she struggled with depression, but it was much more complex. Borderline and bipolar are a challenging combination to live with. As kids, my brother and I never knew what we were walking into when we came home from school. She could be happy and want to talk, have locked herself in her room for days, or be yelling or crying. It was a constant emotional rollercoaster. I walked in softly to check the dynamic landscape daily to determine if I should stay outside and play or if it felt safe to come inside.

I started martial arts training at six years old. I have always called the martial arts my soulmate because my dojo family and training saved my life. I was an energetic kid who needed a healthy place to focus all that energy. It was also crucial that I had some positive people in my life, and my dojo family was supportive, encouraging, and kind. Being there gave me a respite from the chaos at my house. So I spent as much time there as possible. As a small child, I felt helpless to protect my mother and brother. I also had the drive to become a highly trained warrior so I would not feel that again.

That turned into a lifetime of training and using my experience to empower others to protect themselves as a teacher, coach, and mentor. I have taught self-defense and martial arts all over the world. I've taught in women's prisons, shelters, foster care systems, LGBTQ centers, gay bars, community centers, conferences, better business bureaus, and churches. It lights me up inside to do things that help others feel empowered and safer.

As a champion athlete, I began to speak at many events, leading me to start telling my stories. So many young people were living in broken homes with fighting and turmoil. Roughly one in two children will see their parent's marriage break up, and one parent is raising twenty-five percent of children.

Telling my story helped show other young people that you can come from brokenness and still reach your goals and be successful. It also helped heal me. Our stories and pain hold power over us when we keep it all bottled up inside and hold shame around it. Growing up in the South, it was drilled into me that you keep your family's business within the family. We don't want the neighbors to know our dirty laundry, which teaches us that there is shame around divorce, dysfunction, mental illness, and mistakes. I understand that pain loses its power the more we share it. When you share the pain you are carrying, then the weight of it is dispersed.

Today, I know to no longer try to hide that I am a wounded healer. My motivation to make the world a better place came from pain, suffering, and trauma. I no longer try to hide my pain because I have experienced how sharing helps heal me and shows others that they are not alone in their pain and suffering.

Due to the courage of people like Joni Eareckson, Maya Angelou, Eli Wiesel, Victor Frankl, Dan Millman, Oprah, Lady Gaga, Elton John, Marsha P. Johnson, and many more, I carry the lessons and courage I gained from them forward. I am grateful for those who paved the way and taught us that our pain and suffering could come with growth, compassion, grace, inspiration, and purpose. I hope this encourages you to share the stories of your pain and trauma so that others know they are not alone and you continue to heal.

Citation

https://legaljobs.io/blog/children-of-divorce-statistics/#:~:text=The%20children%20of%20divorce%20statistics,growing%20up%20without%20a%20father.

Content Writer | Politics, Philosophy & Economics Student

Direct-to-streaming television shows don’t blow up often. Occasionally you’ll find a diamond in the rough like Stranger Things that manage to grow in popularity by some combination of good reviews and excellent marketing, but most of the time studios find themselves churning out something that will either wind up as a niche favorite in their catalog or a sequel for a popular IP (think Marvel, The Last of Us, One Piece, etc). Ted Lasso, by all metrics, is not a show that should have gone viral— it is an utterly unremarkable concept streaming on Apple-freaking-TV of all platforms. Yet, through strong wholesome messaging and a little bit of luck, Lasso has become a household name, and I think the world is better for it. The show brings difficult issues to the forefront of its plot and uses a refreshingly likable cast of characters to make those problems feel more accessible, bucking the assumptions one might make of a show about a southern football coach. And what is perhaps the most prominent theme of the show? Positive masculinity.

I don’t mean to say that there are no flaws with the way Ted Lasso presents men’s issues—we’ll get into my gripes just as much as we will my highlights—but it is a terrific place to start, especially given how frequently television tends to lean on a few tropes and stereotypes that reaffirm some less preferable masculine traits. We have to celebrate the successes of efforts like these so that a new status quo can emerge, one that’s more welcoming of masculinity in all of its varied forms, good and bad, traditional and otherwise.

Ted Lasso – Men’s Mental Health

I’d be remiss not to start with Ted, the focal point of practically every episode of the show and a wonderful portrayal of how old-school and new-school masculinity can come together to bring about the best of both worlds. Ted is a southern man, born and raised, who on the surface is living the American Dream, coaching football by day and coming home to his wife and son by night. However, after his wife approaches him with some concerns that she may be growing out of love with him, Ted decides to take a job coaching soccer across the globe for a soccer club called Richmond FC. Over the course of the show’s three seasons, Ted is forced to come to terms with the end of this relationship, which is compounded by previously unattended-to trauma concerning his father’s suicide while Ted was a teenager. It's a harrowing story that’s sure to resonate with many, and is handled in the mature and graceful way such a subject mandates.

Ted’s struggles revolve around a series of panic attacks brought about by all of these traumas, and are only allowed to compound because he’s deeply skeptical of therapy. There has always been a negative stigma associated with therapy, especially for men, who are often considered less emotionally needy and are expected to tough out their issues or else risk being labeled a wuss. We learn that Ted has not only developed a no-quit attitude in the wake of his father’s apparent ‘giving up’ on life, but also that his once-wife is dating the relationship counselor she and Ted went to before Ted’s move. Everyone has some amount of baggage like Ted’s, whether that’s a story of someone they know who was let down by a therapist, or some generational concerns that have kept you from considering therapy as a path forward for yourself. But once Ted decides to take a risk on himself, he is rewarded with incremental progress. If I have one gripe with how this is presented, I wish we had gotten to see a little bit of what that process looks like so people aren’t so unsure about the practice of mental healthcare— as someone who has attended talk therapy for years, I can speak to how foreign it can feel to sit down with someone for the first time. Nevertheless, it is a touching reminder that it is never too late for anyone to experiment with ways to improve their lifestyle.

One last note about Ted: he embodies the idea that being kind is not only conducive to more kindness (see Rebecca) but that it is often the easier alternative to being mean/cold/uncaring. Little gestures are something masculine folks should consider more often than we tend to, both in terms of what we’d like to share and to receive.

Roy Kent: Self Expression

Roy is one of the show’s most popular characters, especially through the show’s first two seasons, and it's easy to see why— he starts off being far less “problematic” than many of the other characters who see greater character development. He knows what he’s about, and is willing to stand up to bullies/injustices. That said, he represents an archetype of man we all have experience with: The-One-Who-Keeps-It-All-Bottled-Up. Roy often reacts to conflict with growls and foul language, avoiding any real confrontation, preferring to keep the status quo in exchange for emotional security and a tough-guy persona. The positive female role models in his life, particularly Keeley and his niece, inspire him (with Ted’s help) to be more forthcoming with his needs and strive to be a more complex person than merely the resident mean-mugger.

This means a bit of a personal exploration for the man underneath the rugged face and the soccer persona. Roy has spent the majority of his life with a label that he, in part with the media, had sculpted for himself in his early 20’s, and when anyone decides that it’s time to transition away from their former identity, they are going to enter a bit of a limbo. Everyone thinks Roy could do well for himself if he remains in the world of soccer as a sportscaster, but Roy feels strange having that hoisted upon him at a time when he is just getting ready to open himself up to the whole world of possibilities. But he tries it, and though he doesn’t stick with it for long, has some fun and learns some things along the way.

This illustrates a few important points. In a similar vein to Ted’s story, Roy has to take time to realize he is not alone in his career journey— the people around him are there to support and advise, and he is no less of a man for heeding that feedback. When his identity questions lead him back to where he began, Roy didn’t reinvent the wheel. He recognized that, in originally choosing soccer for himself, he had found a certain personal fulfillment that remained with him through the years, and that’s okay. Knowing yourself gives you that luxury. Those two opposing but complementary forces, having the humility to listen and the confidence to decide, are hard to strike the right balance for, but can be rewarding to explore further for those who dare to pursue themselves boldly and with open arms.

Jamie Tartt: Positive Friendships

I know a lot, and I mean a lot, of men who make the claim that part of what they find fulfilling in their male friendships is the liberty to rib one another without taking anything personally. While I believe that such a thing can be done in a healthy way, I also believe that’s the exception rather than the rule, a claim supported by the way Jamie Tartt evolves as a character. Jamie is a massive prick through season one, constantly “having a go” at friends and foe alike in a way that derived him a lot of attention and made him feel like the top dog. As we come to discover, a lot of that pull to superiority is a defense mechanism to protect Jamie from people like his dad, who believes Jamie isn’t a worthwhile human unless he is indisputably the best. This is an exaggerated version of what compels all of us towards insults and nasty behavior, and it’s often a more socially sound strategy to lift the people around you up more often, both because that helps people feel good about themselves and because it encourages a culture of slinging compliments rather than taunts.

By the conclusion of season 3, Jamie is, in my opinion, the most enjoyable character in the show. That’s because he makes an active effort to redeem himself in the eyes of his peers rather than brush his old attitude under the rug, which derives him a lot of personal satisfaction. He isn’t a completely different person by any means; in fact, his personality finally begins to shine when the generic bully behavior gets sidelined in favor of clever jokes and sincere anecdotes. Jamie still presents very masculine, but channels that stubborn, disciplined nature into self improvement to phenomenal results.

If for whatever reason you have gotten this far in the article and have not seen Ted Lasso, I would highly recommend you check it out. There is seemingly no end to the ways these characters manage to lift one another up and bring out the best in each other, which makes for a great bit of escapism in a pinch. There are some great lessons to be learned from the show, but more than anything I want to use examples like Ted Lasso to demonstrate how easy it is to find these kinds of lessons everywhere when you’re looking for it. If you’re striving to improve yourself, whether it has to do with your masculinity or otherwise, step one should always be to take in as much as you can before you get to work.

Content Writer | Politics, Philosophy & Economics Student

When people think back on the year 2023 and all that it has to offer, there’s no doubt one of the first things that will jump to mind for most is the 17th highest-grossing movie ever at time of writing and an international phenomenon both in and out of theaters, Barbie. In my opinion, it’s an experience worthy of all the hype— the time and effort put into the sets, musical numbers, and comedy are enough of a spectacle on their own to keep people compelled. Above all else, Barbie is a movie about gender and how it influences the ways people move through the world. The concept of Barbie dolls has always been a politically charged one, both in its presentation and by virtue of the fact that it’s about women; its film counterpart is no different. Director Greta Gerwig bites off a lot with some of the topic matter the story tackles, and I think it's worth taking a closer look at her approach, because whether or not you agree with the messaging of Barbie (as we’ll explore, I feel quite conflicted) it’s important to understand the cultural phenomena that underpin it.

What makes Barbie such a difficult movie to try and deconstruct is its multi-level allegories. Stereotypical Barbie is, on one hand, a woman, dealing with the ramifications of that label when she visits the real world. On the other hand, she and the other Barbies move about Barbie Land the same way that men move about Earth, taking on a traditionally masculine role and turning the societal narrative on the Kens in a way that intentionally made some male viewers uncomfortable. There’s some tension present in her characterization as a result, and it’s this tension that, for me, disqualifies criticism of Barbie that boils down to “It’s too feminist!”. Gerwig is simultaneously acknowledging that women are justified in feeling like they should be able to have Barbie Land for themselves while asserting that such a desire is, in and of itself, problematic. It is, in my opinion, quite well done.

You have navigated yourself to positivemasculinitynow.org, however, and though Stereotypical Barbie is certainly interesting in her own right, her Ken provides both more direct commentary about what it means to be masculine and more challenging questions about Barbie’s broader message. Stereotypical Ken has the same thing going on that his Barbie does, in that he is both literally a man and metaphorically filling a feminine societal role in Barbie Land, but with a third, trickier level in the mix: He is also a doll. “Well, duh. Aren’t they all?” Yes, reader, they are, but the Barbies aren’t narratively impacted by that detail the way that Kens are, because Barbie, as the movie establishes on multiple occasions, is an idea more than she is a doll, and Ken doesn’t have that freedom. The opening scene of the movie establishes Barbie as representing all of the things that a girl could one day aspire to be, moving beyond the traditional boundaries of motherhood to a wide variety of different careers and identities that capture the imagination of the children who play with them. In this light, Ken means very little to girls playing with their Barbies; he is a side piece that doesn’t exist unless a boy is necessary to the plot of their story, which doesn’t happen often for kids not yet interested in relationships. As such, the ways in which Ken is ignored goes beyond the gender-role-swap allegory. This is, I think, the point most lost on men watching Barbie— I know it was lost on me before multiple women talked me through it— but it’s an exceptionally important one.

The campfire scene is one that I believe illustrates this issue perfectly. For those who haven’t seen the movie or need a refresher, the Barbies are trying to take control of Barbie Land back from the Kens, and decide that the most effective way to do so is to make them jealous of one another. To do so, each Barbie lets their Ken play & sing them a song that they otherwise would never sit through before leaving them to join a different Ken and listen to their song. This is played mostly for laughs, save one important detail: the song the Kens are singing. Any Matchbox Twenty fans will tell you that their hit song “Push” tells the story of a man who’s being emotionally abused by his girlfriend, who had previously been a victim of abuse herself. This scene can now be read in a plethora of different ways. You could say that Ken takes on the singer’s role, a victim of the Barbies, having been kept in the edges of society and being “led on” by his Barbie, and debate whether or not such a claim is valid. But it would be just as easy to claim that Ken is the woman the song is about, having at one point been abused by Barbie but now taking on the very role that had initially created so much pain for him. You may also walk away thinking that Ken is ultimately so unimportant to Barbie’s story that this can just be a funny scene. The song choice may be a red herring, or there for people to think about should they be so inclined.

Theoretically, I could spend another four blogs going over these options for a number of different scenes until we arrive at the most satisfying interpretation. Instead I’m going to argue for a slight variation on the third option. People across the political spectrum are quick to make the case for the interpretation of Barbie that makes sense according to their predispositions, which is why you have some folks angrily storming out of theaters and others believing it to be a feminist masterpiece. But how could you possibly make any definitive claim to your interpretation with so many options to choose from?

Finally, we arrive at my claim: I think it’s more likely that Barbie actually has nothing to say about men than that Gerwig is attempting to make some grand statement about gender roles. It should serve as an opportunity to examine your reactions to certain moments, and assess from there.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with one particular interpretation of Barbie or another. Especially for the men who left the theater upset or confused, though, it’s important to take advantage of the chance to ask yourself why. Were the moments in which Ken got laughed off screen hitting too close to home? What made the exaggerated girl-power of Barbie Land too much to sit through? Ultimately, the goal of exploring what positive masculinity means is to be able to speak to how being a man shapes the ways you move through the world, and how you can take that experience and cultivate a better world, whatever that means to you. That means taking inventory of your biases, needs, and traumas when you’re presented with one that catches you off guard. Having a growth mindset means always looking for the areas in which you can improve and taking the necessary steps to make that improvement happen.

If there’s one thing I would implore you to take away from Barbie, it’s that having an opinion cannot be helped, but whether or not you question and improve those opinions is up to you. Taking on a growth mindset is critical for staying aware of yourself and your surroundings so that you can do justice by yourself and the people around you. The endless cycle of discourse won’t be going away anytime soon— before you find yourself wandering back into its inviting hellscape, make sure you’ve given yourself enough rope to escape with.

Content Writer | Politics, Philosophy & Economics Student

I spent the first eighteen years of my life on complete outfit autopilot. When your wardrobe consists mainly of basketball shorts, jeans, sweatpants and graphic tees, getting dressed in the dark every morning becomes the standard affair. Being able to wear the same handful of outfits most of the time is one of the silent advantages that male-passing folks have over everyone else. Taking your clothing for granted means missing out on opportunities to grow intrinsically and extrinsically. When you’re not making decisions about the way that you dress, you’re letting the world around you come to their own conclusions. Dress right, and you’ll be building an identity for yourself and developing self-confidence at the same time. In a world where it’s becoming much more common to knock yourself down, looking good is an accessible means of lifting yourself up.

That said, nothing with so much potential for good comes easily. Trying to discern your style is a difficult enough process as it is; add to that the fact that many men feel the world of fashion is closed off to them, and the goal of looking good becomes all the more difficult to achieve. But I can attest firsthand to the fact that it’s doable, whether you’re skeptical of the impact clothing can have, or are struggling with body image insecurities, or can’t tell a v-neck from a crew. I hope that by outlining a few of the first steps that I took to clear out my t-shirt drawer, you’ll find a useful takeaway or two, whether that’s following my formula step-for-step or merely gleaning the inspiration to dig deeper on your own.

The Journey of a Thousand Miles

The first hurdle I had to leap while learning how to dress myself was the most difficult: discovering that I could look good in the first place. As someone who is overweight and not visibly muscular, I hated clothes shopping with all my heart. I felt silly looking at the clothing models and mannequins pulling off looks better than I ever thought I could, and given the pricey nature of most nice clothes, I couldn’t justify just trying something for the sake of trying it. I would often walk out dejected, empty-handed, and ready to put off trying again until I could lick my mental wounds.

If any part of this resonates with you, I’d advise starting by taking yourself out of the equation. I was fortunate enough to stumble into this trick by accident, via a Christmas gift from my mom. She set me up with a service called StitchFix, which is designed to provide you with an outfit or two based on your body type and any additional requests you have. If you don’t like them, you can try again until you do. Should you have the financial luxury to give a service like this a shot, I would; having a starting point tailored to your needs (or a lack therof) does a lot to remove insecurity from the equation. After all, you’ve already received the approval of at least one person who knows their stuff!

You can simulate a similar experience for yourself on a budget, too. Ask someone close to you—a partner, a family member or a friend—to go to a store in your financial range and pick out a top and bottom for you that they think would be flattering. That way, you have someone already invested in your success, perhaps even more than you are, to keep you accountable in the moments when it all gets too overwhelming. Plus, you might not know any fashion pros, but you do know someone who knows you, and can pick something out that suits your personality in a way a stranger can’t. The goal here is to get your hands on a single piece of clothing that you like and go from there.

Moving Forward

Once you have secured something that you enjoy wearing, the process starts to get easier, because you’re no longer painting on a blank canvas—it becomes more like working on a coloring book. The article of clothing (in my case, a sweater) serves as the outline, and you can start pairing it as you please. Stick to what you already own at first. Does this sweater look good with your darker jeans? What about khakis? Don’t play the comparison game between looks yet; just evaluate whether or not you’d like to wear them out. You’ll start to get an initial feel for what colors you’re into, or looks that might work better in certain situations than others. In the best case, you might even already have a specific new wardrobe addition in mind! When I next walked into a nearby Men’s Warehouse, it struck me just how much easier it is to shop for clothes when you know what you’re looking for, or at least a rough approximation of it. Once you feel confident enough to nab your next pair of pants, rinse and repeat using those as your new base. Eventually, you’ll not only have a swath of fun individual options to mix and match, but because you bought all of your clothes with a specific partner article in mind, you’ll always have combos to lean on in a pinch!

Final Thoughts

I made my closet transformation over the summer before my junior year, starting with that simple green sweater and gradually working my way all the way up to accessorizing with jackets and jewelry! It was a feat I would never have thought possible even a year before. When I stepped foot back on campus in the fall, the response to my efforts caught me completely off guard. From the small ways that people’s glances at me changed, to the compliments I received from friends and strangers alike, I felt all the work had been worthwhile. But, truth be told, that validation came long before I ever encountered anyone else. My newfound identity was a much-needed boon coming out of the pandemic, and the confidence that followed allowed me to carry myself with more poise (which was potentially even more socially potent than the clothes themselves!). Whether you want to dress in traditionally masculine fashion, or find your groove with feminine pieces in the mix, you’ll be doing yourself a service to give those impulses a shot.

And, while you’re at it, consider paying a compliment to other men you see trying something new! Masculine circles aren’t often considerate enough of bold fashion decisions, and your small show of intimacy may be just what a buddy needs to keep developing their style.

I think that no matter where we are in our lives, whether we are at the starting point or reaching the end, we cannot avoid feeling lost at one point or another. From time to time, we find ourselves unable to figure out what to do or where to go. In those moments, a role model who has a piece of wisdom to hand over can feel like a saving grace. Role models can come and go but they will always leave a transcendent impact which may change the way we think or feel.

After speaking to Travis Stock and Chuck Thuss, my mind expanded with the inspiring knowledge they had to offer me. Travis uses his podcast The New Masculine to help masculine identifying people talk about what it’s like to find their authentic self and learn to be comfortable with who they are. Chuck Thuss uses his podcast Warriors Unmasked to give masculine people a space to talk and open up about the difficulties and emotions they experience and deal with. Both Travis and Chuck have broken past boundaries that have been formed by society, and are reforming ideas about how society thinks boys and men ‘should’ be. Instead they encourage men to be free, open themselves up, and connect.

FREEDOM and AUTHENTICITY

Travis Stock displays strong traits of being a male role model because he fights to help masculine identifying people feel comfortable in their own skin. When boys are growing up, they are told to act and be a certain kind of person based on their gender role. Parts of their authentic personality are chipped away until they are formed into what society believes is the ‘right’ kind of man. Travis makes an excellent point that this process of telling boys that parts of themselves are wrong can be traumatic. Being ridiculed about their true nature can cause shame and mental damage for years to come. Hopefully more male role models can help boys and men bloom into people who are not constricted by people’s judgment.

Travis Stock offered an excellent point that to help men find their freedom, they must fight against the stubborn need to be right. Instead, he encourages men to remain curious and be willing to see through someone else's eyes. It is then that everyone can find a sense of freedom and offer others room to be free as well.

I look up to Travis because he acknowledges that everyone goes through specific life circumstances which creates the foundation of the opinions that people have. In that way he can see people eye to eye. He is open minded and knows that someone may disagree with him, but he does not just reject someone because they have a different opinion. Instead, he remains curious. In this way he can share information rather than argue the side that he already agrees with. If there is a practice of open mindedness, more men can find space to grow and develop into the kind of person he knows he is.

Chuck Thuss’ conversation with me was transcendent. He had amazing advice to help free men and boys to be who they are. He pushes them to be vulnerable. Men are told to be closed off. Instead a man can find their freedom by being honest with who they are and opening up emotionally. Chuck pushes men to fight against the fear of what people may say about them. What someone is doing and how they decide to live their life isn’t up to anyone else. Of course finding self confidence is easier said than done, but extraordinary things can occur when a man pushes himself out of his comfort zone and into discomfort. Chuck had to fight to find the ability to live in discomfort for eight years. He learned that pretending to be a certain way to have everyone’s approval is pointless. Because let’s face it, we never have everyone’s approval. Instead he accepted the discomfort of people’s disapproval and eventually found happiness as he found himself free to be who he truly is.

Chuck Thuss has such empowering advice! He is urging other masculine people to be an agent of change. He notes that every man can make a change for the better. One man can cause a ripple effect and create a subtle or gigantic change in the way we think and do things.

If one man has the courage to free himself to be who he really is, it will encourage other men to do the same. Even if you affect just a few people, that's enough,but the first step is self love. Without self acceptance, how can a man open up to new opportunities which may help him figure out the serenity of being who he really is? Change is always uncomfortable. Chuck’s best advice is to seek discomfort, because it is difficult to grow when we stay in a safety net. Trying new things can help us find ourselves and become attuned with our authenticity.

COMMUNITY and CONNECTING

It is important to find like minded people. Optimistically, even though we will always find people who don't accept who we are, we will also find people we connect with. People who help us push past the boundaries that society sets for us. As a fantastic male role model, Travis Stock makes a point that it is vital for men to find people who inspire them and align with the opinions and values they have. It is also important to find men who help them grow and learn. Finding a connection can be difficult, but seeking out a group who gives them a space to be who they are, rather than someone they must be, can be the best kind of medicine.

Even more importantly, Travis points out that there is a crisis with men opening up. If a man cannot find the right people he will stay closed off and maybe never feel the freedom of becoming open. The sooner men open up, the better it is for them to find the ability to be who they are.

Chuck Thuss made an amazing point about how vital it is for him to connect to people as a public speaker. He explains how men avoid being vulnerable, but once Chuck shows the courage to open up, more masculine people are willing to be emotional as well. He notes that it is about the heart to heart connection with people that helps men display their strength to talk about the difficulties they go through. It is undeniably important to find a good community of people to notice that it is okay to be a man and also be a human being. Men may feel that they must always be strong no matter what, but they also need a moment to be open. To talk.

Chuck shows his capabilities of being a male role model through his courage of showing emotion and connecting to those who are starving for connection. He makes an excellent point that people need to be together and connected. Especially when men are told that they must be independent and never seek support.

A positive community will help men find freedom from the constricts which are harmful to mental and physical health. Travis Stock and Chuck Thuss are constantly disrupting what society has told men is right or wrong for them. They are opening new roads and creating a space for men to be free. Travis and Chuck display how vital it is to be proud of the identity you withhold, and to avoid letting society cut down the roots of that identity. The best way to avoid the murder of self acceptance is to find a good community and then slowly learn how to free yourself from the constraints society has built.

I noticed that fear and shame are the most prominent reasons why we decide to repress our emotions. Past events and intolerable words can be seared into the brain and bring up feelings such as revulsion, frustration, and sorrow. An overwhelming desire to shove those feelings away and lock them up to never be processed is strong and uncontrollable. We will subconsciously shut off our authentic feelings until it is resurrected and set off like a bomb. This act of repressing can cause long-term mental health issues, which can coincide with physical health.

There are moments when a rush of volatile emotion will burn my eyes, close up my throat, and begin a rise of panic. It will seize and grip hold of me until I am a prisoner to the emotion. I am always frustrated when I feel the urge to cry. I know others will see it as a weakness. I slowly notice that I am angry with myself, was I really this sensitive? Why can’t I control my emotions better? I wish to shut down and feel nothing. I want logic to rule over the emotion. But when the emotion takes over, I lose the ability to be logical and a negative flow of thoughts seeps into my mind. I am disgusted with myself for feeling. For having emotions. I feel that everyone will lose respect for me and begin to wonder if I can deal with problems properly. Do they think I am incompetent? Lacking strength and capability?

This made me realize that if I feel this way as a woman, what must it be like for men? Men are handed the gender role to be stoic, calm, and logical. They are usually told that they must hold in their emotions or else it will cause their masculinity to be questioned. While it is more accepted for women to display feminine features such as sensitivity, it is still frowned upon for men to be expressive while also being viewed as strong and masculine as well. At a young age, sometimes boys are taught that having feelings is an issue to be dealt with, not nurtured and worked through. They are told to ‘toughen up’ and ‘deal with it.’

This made me wonder, if men repress their emotions throughout their life… What kind of repercussions does this cause?

Avoiding feeling our emotions can severely affect mental health, especially if we have a toxic line of thinking when it comes to our natural feelings. Letting ourselves stew in negativity takes a direct hit to our self-esteem. If we think we are ‘weak’ and ‘incapable’ because we need to cry, we will start to believe it. A bad self-esteem coincides with unhappiness. If we don’t feel good about ourselves, it is difficult to be happy and this may lead to depression. According to Dekin, “Over 30% of men will experience a period of depression at some point during their lifetime, and about 9% of men report having feelings of depression or anxiety every day” (para 4). It is still something to note that men hold a higher suicide rate than women. The self hate and repression of our natural emotions can turn into something ugly if not dealt with in a healthy manner.

It is also important to note that more women than men will ask for professional help. Considering that men may avoid seeking help when they are unsure how to deal with their rising feelings, they may look for it in other sources. Rather than working through something that has caused them sorrow, perhaps they will turn to drugs and alcohol instead. Substance abuse can help numb pain. The steady and high consumption of toxins will begin a spiral effect into an unhealthy life both physically and mentally.

Instead of trying to ignore the issues that are coming up it is better to face them head on. Repressed emotions become deeply buried and cause problems because they are never addressed. Keeping our feelings locked away is the problem. Not the emotions themselves.

Asking for help can be critical to paving the path to a healthier relationship with emotions. Working through emotions can be through trusted family and friends, paid therapeutic help, and/or self help. Help from a therapist can be the support we need to release the bottled up emotions. They can help us in remembering what we have repressed, and teach us how to work through our feelings. Friends and family can listen to what is causing our problems and be there for us, and self-help methods are an important way to introspect the best method to elevate our lives. To live a happier life, and to channel a stronger positive view of masculinity, there needs to be a healthier relationship with our human emotions.

Tips on Working Through our Emotions

1. Releasing the emotion in a positive way.

• Emotions are energy that needs to be exuded and there are many positive ways to exude them!

• Screaming into a pillow when frustrated.

• Exercise. Kickboxing or running can be a great way to expend anger.

If you are sad, give yourself space to be sad. If you don’t want an audience, find time to let yourself cry and work through the mourning alone. Try not to keep the sadness buried.

2. Talk to Supportive and Trustworthy Loved Ones.

• Surrounding yourself with people you can trust is critical. As social animals, it’s vital that in a time of need you have a loved one you know you can turn to. We need people who can support us and be there for us. Someone who can help spread a positive mindset.

3. The Internal Narrative that is Created. (A method of Self-help)

• The narrative you create is extremely important.

• Try to notice if your thoughts turn sour while feeling your emotions. Notice if you are insulting yourself, or deciding that if one thing goes wrong everything else will. Try to switch the narrative and see if thinking more positively helps. It takes time and practice, but eventually it can help.

Works Cited

1. Can Always Staying Positive Be Bad for Our Health? | HCF. 6 Aug. 2019, https://www.hcf.com.au/health-agenda/body-mind/mental-health/downsides-to-always-being-positive#:~:text=%E2%80%9CSuppressing%20your%20emotions%2C%20whether%20it%27s,provisional%20clinical%20psychologist%20Victoria%20Tarratt

2. Dekin, Sam. “Men And Emotions: The Importance of Becoming Vulnerable.” Mission Harbor Behavioral Health, 25 May 2021, https://sbtreatment.com/blog/men-and-emotions-the-importance-of-becoming-vulnerable/#:~:text=From%20an%20early%20age%2C%20men,be%20said%20about%20mental%20health.

3. Drury, Kate, and William M. Bukowski. “Sexual Development.” Elsevier eBooks, 2013, pp. 115–44. https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/gender-role#:~:text=Gender%20roles %20can%20be%20conceptualized,(especially%20toward%20other%20men).

4. Lcsw-R, Jill E. Daino. “Emotional Labor: The Cost of Swallowing Your Emotions.” Talkspace, Jan. 2023, https://www.talkspace.com/blog/emotional-labor/

5. Raypole, Crystal. “Let It Out: Dealing With Repressed Emotions.” Healthline, 31 Mar. 2020, https://www.healthline.com/health/repressed-emotions#why-it-happens

Bio: Lead Content Writer for Positive Masculinity, Technical Writer in the medical device industry

Have you ever heard the saying, “Men live shorter lives”? This might sound like a myth, but there’s a lot of truth behind this statement. Unfortunately, the main causes of death in the United States are more represented by men. Plenty of statistics display that the main causes of death in men are: heart disease, cancer, and suicide. Beyond finding the truth behind the myth, there are a few culprits that keep these statistics at bay. The major reason why men are at a higher risk for disease and illness is due to the fact that most of the time they avoid asking for professional help when they need it the most. This could cause men to abandon health risks and possibly shorten the chance of a longer life. Fortunately, it doesn’t have to remain this way. There are simple, small, and attainable steps that lead to creating healthier habits for men to live longer.

Statistics and Social Stigma:

The illnesses associated with the main causes of death in men are very intimidating diagnoses and may seem overwhelming. Starting with heart disease, Optimum Direct Care has evidence that states, “Affecting nearly one out of every fifteen men in the United States, various forms of heart disease are responsible for a quarter of all male deaths”. They also found that, “ In fact, research shows that the suicide rate among American men is about four times higher than among women”. Considering the statistics, this health care agency suggests that preventative medicine can be the solution for heart disease, stroke, suicide, lung cancer prostate cancer in men.

Still, there are even more detrimental stigmas holding men back from seeking professional help or choosing preventative or precautious care. Some of the roadblocks happen to be confidentiality of health information, embarrassment, a female dominated health care system, and fear of tragic diagnoses. Healthline reports in a study of men at the Cleveland Clinic, “65 percent of respondents said they avoid going to the doctor as long as possible”. Some of the causes are: (1)“They worry about a bad diagnosis or a bad outcome”, (2) “They see going to the doctor as a weakness”, and (3) “Men don’t like being vulnerable”. The list continues of countless reasons and responses as to why most men do not seek professional healthcare advice or treatment. Yet, all the reasons above lead men to have a higher health risk. Combating these false beliefs with health risks, consequences, and the truth can bring restoration for men’s health.

Steps Toward Longer Living for Men:

Most of the population wants to live a long life. While cultural stigmas discourage men from achieving that goal, there is still room for change. If our society can support men by encouraging them to seek healthier habits for the sake of their lives, dreams, and families, we all can live to see men thrive beyond their expected life span.

Some practical ways to combat stigma and increase the lifespan of men can be:

• Finding a male physician who they feel comfortable with.

• Cultivate multiple accountability partners, including friends and family, to encourage attending regular check-ups.

• Seek specialists for specialty check-ups (prostate checks and/or any serious illnesses).

• Inviting public health programs and professionals including but not limited to physicians, teachers, professors, and counselors to acknowledge the issue of men’s health and educate the larger population in the workplace and schools early on.

• Seeking preventative medicine and precautionary health care through lifestyle, diet, and consultations.

Citations:

1. Banks, Ian. “No Man’s Land: Men, Illness, and the NHS.” BMJ, vol. 323, no. 7320, BMJ, Nov. 2001, pp. 1058–60. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmj.323.7320.1058.

2. Jubb, Joe. “‘It’ll Get Better on Its Own’: Men And Their Resistance to Seeing a Doctor - the Health Policy Partnership.” The Health Policy Partnership, 8 Nov. 2022, www.healthpolicypartnership.com/itll-get-better-on-its-own-men-and-their-resistance-to-seeing-a-doctor.

3. Care, Optimum Direct. “5 of the Most Common Men’s Health Issues.” Optimum Direct Care, June 2021, optimumdirectcare.com/5-of-the-most-common-mens-health-issues.

4. Campbell, Leah. “Why so Many Men Avoid Going to the Doctor.” Healthline, 14 Sept. 2019, www.healthline.com/health-news/why-so-many-men-avoid-doctors.

5. Winerman, Lea. “Helping Men to Help Themselves.” https://www.apa.org, www.apa.org/monitor/jun05/helping.

Bio: Lead Content Writer for Positive Masculinity, Technical Writer in the medical device industry

In spite of the uncommon life circumstance of single fatherhood, the examples in media are exceptional in portraying healthy masculinity. Some of the most inspirational films include starring roles as single fathers. The themes and characteristics evident in these roles are so memorable and timeless. Breathtaking scenes of determination, hope, and leadership are consistent across each single father film, and a natural ability to be compassionate while still masculine. There are extraordinary examples of healthy and heart-led masculinity in single fatherhood films and each film has an unforgettable takeaway that can improve our society’s vision of masculinity.

Single fathers are rarely encouraged or complimented for being single and independent, while single mothers are regularly boasted about for their heroic independence. While single-parent homes lack full support, society usually honors every effort of the single mother, while the praise of single fathers sits on the back burner. Even holidays geared toward fathers are much less celebrated and acknowledged in comparison with mother’s day. The way that the media has displayed single fathers challenges the status quo of unhealthy father involvement in parenting.

In the film, The Pursuit of Happyness, a determined and faithful father plays the main character who takes care of his son regardless of the son's mother leaving and not having the finances to pay for rent or a car. Beyond the circumstances, this single father made sure his son received meals at home, an education, and hope. He goes out of his way to break the generational trauma of paternal abandonment from his own childhood. Beyond this, he teaches his son to believe that he's capable of anything beyond the circumstances. While at the basketball court with his son, his father tells him “Don’t ever let someone tell you, you can’t do something. Not even me. You got a dream, you got to protect it. People can’t do something themselves, they want to tell you you can’t do it. You want something, go get it. Period” (Ponio).

There were numerous lessons that Chris Gardner taught his son throughout the film, although the recurring message of having hope in the midst of difficult circumstances was the main theme. This was constantly shown through the single father’s actions, words, and life. He taught his son to never give up on his dreams even when circumstances don’t appear to be serving him or leading to a positive result. While experiencing an unsteady relationship with the mother of his child, struggling to pay the bills, and not having a stable home to live in, he still strived to show his son a better life.

Similarly, in the film Fatherhood (2022), a single father struggles to raise his daughter after her mother passes away during childbirth. His in-laws refuse to believe that he's capable of taking care of his daughter on his own. This may be due to his gender or cultural background, and how the average African-American man is not trusted to have custody of his children or volunteer to in the case of being widowed. Regardless of the statistics, he shocks them with his remarkable care for his daughter. She grows up learning to trust her father and depend on him for her every need.

Each of these films show meaningful masculine characteristics that aren't often shown in two-parent households. These characteristics are even less common in the African American population. The Institute for Family Studies found that almost 1 in every 2 children in the African American community is raised in a single-parent home (Institute for Family Studies). As a result, the disadvantages of being raised in a single-parent home while also being African American, detrimentally increased in the case of incomplete education and chances of being incarcerated. “Black young adults who grew up in a single-parent home are about 1.8 times more likely to have spent time in prison or jail by their late twenties, compared to their peers from a home headed by two biological parents” (Institute for Family Studies). While the statistics are highly discouraging, the steps toward redemption aren't impossible.

The principles of determination, hope, perseverance, integrity, faithfulness, open communication, and unconditional love in these African-American single-father films can be attuned to living a heart-led life. The way that both single fathers sacrificed their pride and ego to ensure that their child was loved, heard, and seen was a significant way of leading with their hearts. It can be common and very easy to follow the generational or traditional traits of their fathers who may have led with superiority and pride. Although these heart-led fathers abandoned their past to see and experience an all-around genuine relationship with their children. If more parents and adults were educated on how to lead with their hearts and help children feel seen and heard, especially in the realm of addressing unhealthy masculinity, the world and the next generation would be a significantly safer space.

Sources:

1. Jd. “Heart-Led Leadership.” Sources of Insight, 27 Aug. 2022, sourcesofinsight.com/heart-led-leadership.

2. Ponio, Judy, and Content Team. “50+ Uplifting Quotes on the Pursuit of Happiness.” Our Father’s House Soup Kitchen, 3 June 2022, ofhsoupkitchen.org/pursuit-of-happiness-quotes.

3. “Less Poverty, Less Prison, More College: What Two Parents Mean for Black and White Children.” Institute for Family Studies, ifstudies.org/blog/less-poverty-less-prison-more-college-what-two-parents-mean-for-black-and-white-children.

4. Fleck, Brandi. “The Healing Power of Seeing and Being Seen — Human Amplified.” Human Amplified, 24 Sept. 2022, humanamplified.com/blog/the-healing-power-of-seeing-and-being-seen.

Gender, Sexuality, Women’s Studies major at Temple University

Think about a time when you messed up. Maybe you made an offensive joke, maybe you misgendered someone and failed to correct your mistake. It could be big, it could be small, but think about it. How did people respond? Were you humiliated and asked to leave? Was it awkward for a second and then you learned from your mistake? Were you corrected or ignored? These are the questions we need to ask when starting our discussion about cancel culture. Let’s talk about it. We know it well, but if you don’t, here’s the breakdown. Cancel-culture is the undeniably popular practice of withdrawing support (canceling) from a public figure or company after they’ve said or done something objectively offensive. For example, Quaker Oats syrup brand, “Aunt Jemima”, was canceled because the marketing was centered around an incredibly offensive racial stereotype. J.K. Rowling was canceled for drowning our Twitter feeds in transphobic rhetoric. These examples show blatant discrimination and do not deserve support. But we also need to ask ourselves why cancel-culture exists. The goal is accountability. Isolating the ignorant is not accountability. While the actions of big corporations and public figures like those discussed above are often hateful and need correction, cancel culture has largely become about group shaming on social media. In terms of the evolution of healthy masculinity, cancel-culture is ultimately harmful.

Depending on your gender, there are often double standards that might discourage asking important questions. Maybe you have questions about someone’s gender identity. Maybe you’re lacking politically correct language. It’s hard, it really is. Our language is constantly changing. For feminine-identifying folks, there is not always the same one-strike-and-you’re-out policy. J.K. Rowling is never going to really be canceled. Harry Potter? Iconic childhood memory. Nobody’s about to stop investing in that franchise. But the level of accountability might be different if J.K. Rowling was a cis man. When the Amber Heard and Johnny Depp trial went public, the automatic assumption was that he was the perpetrator and her the victim. For a minute, it looked like Depp was going to be outcast from Hollywood. He claimed that “no one is safe” from cancel-culture (Reed 5). These are the sorts of double standards that create masculine folks that are afraid of conversation. If there’s no safe space for dialogue, there’s no room for learning. A lot of this stems from society’s refusal to acknowledge boys and men as vulnerable. Historically, only women have been allotted (or burdened with) that acknowledgment. Because masculinity typically equates to strength and toughness, we often fail to recognize that the solitude that cancel-culture often produces not only causes damage but also doesn’t get us anywhere in terms of the progressivism of teaching masculinity.

Instead of teaching masc folks empathy and vulnerability, we teach that in order to be heard and respected they must assert dominance. This is another reason why cancel-culture seems to be gendered. An example that comes to mind is the Will Smith Oscar slap. For those who live in a hole, this past year Chris Rock made a joke (in poor taste) about Jada-Pinkett Smith on stage at the Oscars, so Will decided to slap him across the face on live television. Rock threatened the family, so Smith used physical violence to assert his dominance. The media had a field day. Memes were circulating the internet for weeks, Smith was getting absolutely roasted. So, while acts of “chivalry” like this are harmful to the victim and the perpetrator, and rely on upholding gender roles (Smith as the protector and his wife as the damsel in need of protection) we, as a society, expect and even encourage aggressive acts like this. We teach that this is how you gain respect as a man, but riot when we see these acts come to fruition. The cancel-culture we see here is hypocritical and therefore counterproductive. If we don’t analyze these acts in terms of their social relevance, we aren’t able to appropriately hold accountability.

In the same breath that we talk about the producers of cancel-culture, we also have to talk about solutions. Part of the solution starts with teaching masc folks how to live and lead with their hearts. A good place to start is with empathy. For boys to learn empathy, they have to experience it themselves. This means treating kids with respect, and speaking to them like adults. Talking about feelings, their own and those of others. Validate the experiences of young people and they will learn to do the same. An important place to practice this is in school. When you’re young, you find most of your role models in your teachers. When gender roles are heavily present at school and enforced by your role models, that’s when kids grow up to become victims of cancel-culture.

Another component of living a heart-led life is knowing when to be silent and listen. When difficult topics are brought up, because we teach dominance over empathy, men have a tendency to respond with defensiveness. While I recognize that this is a product of a social issue, historically, those who identify as men were the only ones permitted to have a voice, and that remains part of our culture. Whether it be in the workplace, in the home, in relationships, or in the media, the opinions of man continue to be of higher value. In order to combat cancel-culture and instead preach accountability-culture, we have to listen to and center marginalized voices. You may need to look deep inside yourself to find where your defensiveness is coming from. You may need to make an active effort to unlearn internalized systems of patriarchy. Take deep breaths, and hold your tongue.

The last and arguably the most crucial puzzle piece is transformative justice. Transformative justice seeks to respond to violence (physical, emotional, verbal) without creating any more harm (Mingus 2). For example, perpetrators of sexual violence often experienced it themselves. Instead of incarceration, which results in isolation and often inadequate counseling, only creating more harm, we have to get to the root of the problem. This might mean teaching boys and men (the most common perpetrators of sexual violence) about respect, consent, and boundaries rather than teaching girls to cover up and watch their backs. In terms of cancel-culture, transformative justice starts with the solutions listed above. It means starting young. It means teaching empathy and emotional intelligence. It means knowing when to listen and be respectful of differing opinions. It means including the ignorant in difficult discussions, without shutting them down. It means thinking with your heart.

Resources:

Mingus, Mia. “Transformative Justice: A Brief Description.” TransformHarm.org, https://transformharm.org/tj_resource/transformative-justice-a-brief-description/.

Reed, Jonathan. “How Do Boys Fit into Cancel Culture, Feminism and #Metoo?” Next Gen Men, Next Gen Men, 15 June 2022, https://www.nextgenmen.ca/blog/how-do-boys-fit-into-cancel-culture-feminism-and-metoo.

Gender, Sexuality, Women’s Studies major at Temple University

It’s gifting season and if you’re anything like me–insanely gorgeous and incredible at procrastination– your friends, family, and loved ones will be opening their gifts from you a little late this year! If the holiday tunes on repeat are making your ears bleed and you’ve got no room left for original ideas, have no fear! Your magically queer holiday elf is here!

If there’s anything to remember when searching for the right gift it’s that gender is a construct often upheld by commercialism. Aren’t we bored of gifts that tell our daughters they belong in the kitchen and our sons that they’ll be sports stars? This is a wake up call! We actually don’t live inside a Tim Allen movie. Though the major holidays have just come to an end, this list may be useful for all your gifting endeavors. Your niece’s sixth birthday is coming up? Got you covered. Boss’s kid’s first communion? Take your pick. Do your part in actively fighting against gender norms, and potentially making some kids really happy. Two birds, one stone. Happy gifting!

1. CATAN

Got a tween that could use a break from the screen and some wholesome brain stimulation? Catan is the answer. If you’ve never played, Catan is a game for two or four players in which you compete for resources and to create the best and biggest settlement on the island of Catan. It takes about an hour to play and is all-season accessible. This board game is a good time no matter who you are, and it excludes racial insensitivities!

2. MONSTER-CRACKERS

Monster-crackers are the outcasts of the nut-cracker family, the misfits of Christmas. They offer a new spin on the classic holiday nutcracker, and they are made by a company that specifically “aim[s] to crush gender norms and underrepresentation”. You can find these bad boys at Monstercrackers.com, where they also sell ornaments, books, cards, and clothes.

3. SLIME!

Who on god’s green earth doesn’t like slime?? The trend must live on! An Elmer’s Slime Starter Pack comes in every color you can think of. It’ll keep your kid occupied for hours, might get them interested in science, and can be particularly useful to children that struggle with sensory and anxiety issues (Lear 1).

4. GENDER-BENDING DOLLS

This holiday season, please stop telling your son he can’t play with dolls. Parents who continue to deny their children happiness, we see you and we are embarrassed of you. Plain muslin dolls are a great way to not only provoke creative genius in your kid, but will also allow them to create the doll of their dreams that looks and identifies however they want them to! Blank muslin dolls are available at a variety of stores including Amazon and Jo-Ann Fabrics.

5. BOOKS THAT FLIP GENDER SCRIPTS

Got a little reader? Books that bust gender scripts make great holiday gifts and they’re produced now more than ever. Reading about feminine characters in positions of power, or masculine ones that love to dance is progressivism that we all need to engage in. Buy books that have nonbinary representation. The more humanity your child is exposed to, the more human they’ll grow up to be! Two great options are “Ada Twist, Scientist” by Andrea Beaty, and “Just Ask!” by Sonia Sotomayor.

6. YOGA JOES

Remember G.I. Joe? Meet his mindful and emotionally intelligent counterpart, Yoga Joe! These little green figurines represent active military members in a variety of different yoga poses. Tough guys need to stretch too! Yoga Joes come in your classic army green, hot pink, and rainbow. Teach zen. We all need it.

Resources

Lear, Katie. “Why Is My Kid Obsessed with Slime?” Child Counseling in Davidson, Child Counseling in Davidson, 13 Mar. 2020, https://www.katielear.com/child-therapy-blog/2019/12/15/why-is-my-kid-obsessed-with-slime.

Lead Content Writer for Positive Masculinity, Technical Writer in the medical device industry

All throughout the world there has been a shortage of male to male compliments. Due to cultural stigma and competition, traditional masculine standards seem to be the culprit. The average population of females are more likely to receive compliments frequently, while males remain at a deficit. It’s even more rare that the average male is complemented by another male due to traditional masculine ideals that view complimenting as feminine, and therefore discourage lifting male esteem. Women commonly receive compliments on a regular basis without societal judgment, while men rarely praise other men due to fear of judgment and societal pressure.

A New Zealand study by Nan Sun, "Gender-based Differences in Complimenting Behaviour: A Critical Literature Review”(2), publishes that of 500 delivered compliments, males complimented other males on appearance 36% of the time, and on ability/performance 32% of the time. This is 25% and 12% less than female to female compliments respectively (2). Traditional masculinity carries the weight of emotional repression through cultural disgrace and competition. Therefore, male to male compliments remain at a low percentage to men's misfortune as there are tons of cognitive and emotional health benefits attached to receiving and giving compliments. The practice of complementing one another can become a catalyst to improving the narrative of male esteem and creating a norm of lifting each other up.

Table 1: Interaction between compliment topic and sex of participants

Source: Amended from Holmes (1988).

Various societal standards block men from receiving the benefits of compliments. Evidentially, Husing, a licensed American psychologist claims, “There’s a cultural expectation that men are independent, to a point where they don’t expect others to reach out, or to reach out themselves, leading society to have appropriated ideas of traditional masculinity”(3). This cultural and societal assumption provokes a level of insensitivity that is inhumane and supports emotional suppression in men even in the simple, positive gesture of giving a compliment. All humans benefit from being appreciated, heard, and seen. Compliments embrace our humanity and our need for each other. Therefore, devaluing the needs of the entire male species and labeling them “independent” as if they don’t have human needs, in the name of traditional masculinity, is outrageously inhumane. This has become the status quo, and it’s not doing any justice for men. If society's goal is to decrease the value of men, we are supporting the problem by not encouraging male compliments.

Additionally, psychologist Husing describes the traditionally negative perspective carried with masculine compliments declaring, “historically, men giving and receiving compliments can be a sign of some sort of weakness, no matter how unfounded. This fear of weakness plays into the problematic nature of machismo that often permeates the male experience” (1). The machismo nature that’s “problematic” to masculine individuals is a traditional trait of men that is defined as, “strong, aggressive masculine pride”. Some synonymous terms that define “machismo” are toxic masculinity, toughness, and chauvinism. This conventional trait has been tied to men from the 1930s and still carries on to present generations due to the unproductive belief that men are self-reliant. If men are historically known to be so self-sustaining, and taught to portray an image of optimal toughness, how can it be easy to receive compliments from other men? Furthermore, masculine compliments are so demeaned by society that it’s commonly associated with emasculating men instead of its original intention to build self esteem and promote a sense of appreciation and admiration.

Moreover, it is proven that compliments promote dopamine release in the brain. A Harvard Business Review shows that, “Praise activates the reward circuit in the receiver’s brain, heightening their focus and motivation”(5). This positive, hormonal reward system is equivalent to monetary incentive which is proven to be a high motivator in the male brain. According to biology and psychology, compliments aid in giving men motivation to grow and be productive in their realms of influence. The Harvard Business Review states how important incorporating a positive environment for professional organizations so that employees feel valued and appreciated through compliments. This points to how highly advantageous the benefits of compliments are in the work place especially amongst males who feel most valued in the occupational setting and traditionally take the breadwinner role in the family.

An inspiring article from The Aggie states, “Compliments build self-esteem, nurture our mental health and remind us that we are, in fact, loved and appreciated by those around us”(1). This statement affirms our human need to be acknowledged and praised through compliments. It speaks to all audiences in a positive manner, although when it comes to men there is a staggering stigma hindering them from receiving compliments freely. While carrying the enormous burden of self-reliance and independence, there are practical remedies to breaking these unhealthy paradigms and traditional patterns. Finding new ways to compliment men and making it intentional and genuine is a high goal, but it is attainable. The result could involve the entire male species witnessing how powerful and vital compliments are helping demolish negative masculine perspectives in a society that discourages male to male compliments. There are a variety of ways in which most men enjoy receiving compliments and wholesome ways to give compliments that will not create uncomfortable situations.

When it comes to practicing compliments towards the male audience, it’s important to be intentional and target key areas of importance. The studies in the past focused on appearance and ability or performance. Although, after learning how multi-faceted the male species is despite traditional ideals, there are also other factors to consider such as addressing the male character, intentions, persistence and good will. Some practical examples of compliments meant to lift the male esteem and promote appreciation include the following:

• You did a great job fixing that (describe item). It works amazing now.

• I really like the way you thought of including that (specific accessory, care, point, etc). It really enhanced (your work, piece, presentation, the way I see you).

• I appreciate when you make (a certain meal, craft, fill in what applies). I think it’s a great skill of yours.

• You take care of yourself really well. I admire you for that.

• You’re great at (certain skill). It must have taken you a while to develop that.

Citations

Shrayber, Ilya. “Men And Compliments: Traversing Masculinity in the Modern Age.” The California Aggie, Oct. 2022, www.theaggie.org/2020/02/26/men-and-compliments-traversing-masculinity-in-the-modern-age.

Sun, Nan. “Gender-based Differences in Complimenting Behaviour: A Critical Literature Review.” The ANU Undergraduate Research Journal, press.anu.edu.au/downloads/press/n1673/pdf/Nan_Sun.pdf.

Quinlan, Casey. “Why Men Can&Apos;T Take Compliments.” The Atlantic, 18 Dec. 2013, www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/12/why-men-cant-take-compliments/282164.

“Why Compliments Are Amazing for Your Brain – and the World. – Kwik Learning.” Kwik Learning - Read Faster. Work Smarter. Think Better., www.kwiklearning.com/kwik-tips/why-compliments-are-amazing-for-your-brain-and-the-world.

“A Simple Compliment Can Make a Big Difference.” Harvard Business Review, 24 Feb. 2021, hbr.org/2021/02/a-simple-compliment-can-make-a-big-difference.

Kristenson, Sarah. “121 Compliments for Men That Actually Work.” Happier Human, 9 Dec. 2022, www.happierhuman.com/compliments-men.